So, the insipid Indian bowling performance in the last couple of matches has been raising more than a couple of eyebrows. So much so that our esteemed Parliament decided to debate on the issue, just so that some advice could be doled out to the hapless MS Dhoni. Besides India TV’s rather forceful assumption that his mind has been occupied by SMS (that is Sakshi MS Dhoni for the India TV illiterate).
Right then, in the Lok Sabha now, where all the MPS are seated (surprise!) and the Hon. Speaker Meira Kumar is holding sway (double surprise!!)
Meira Kumar : We are here today to discuss the Indian bowling performance in the ongoing matches in Sri Lanka. We can start with opening comments from the Prime Minister.
(Silence)
Meira Kumar : Dr. Singh??
Manmohan Singh (Congress) : Oh![Looks up sheepishly hurriedly, trying to stow a well read copy of the Great Crash 1929 out of sight] Oh yes! Indian team. Yes. Very nice. I heard they just won the T20 World Cup. Congratulations!. Rest of the questions to Soniaji please. [Settles back with his book again]
Meira Kumar : Soniaji, if you would please?
Sonia Gandhi (Congress) : This is a very poor performance. They need to pull up their socks. They have to listen to their inner voice. They have to follow what it says.
Sharad Pawar (NCP) : (snidely under his breath) Yeah of course. Like SHE knows about cricket.
Meira Kumar : You said something Mr. Pawar?
Sharad Pawar (NCP) : What I said was, of course Soniaji is right. She is our supreme leader. She cannot be wrong. Soniaji can show the right path to our team. In fact I am thinking if the BCCI would accept a proposal to make Soniaji the new coach of our team. If not, even Rahulji can be made as coach.
Arun Jaitley (BJP) : This as you can see, is the dynastic nature of Congress politics. Always trying to include Sonia Gandhi and Rahul Gandhi in everything.
Pranab Mukherjee (Congress) : [in a small voice] maybe we can consider bringing back Sourav Ganguly?
Laloo Prasad Yadav (RJD) : In that case, I call for more representation for Bihar. There is not 1 cricketer from Bihar in the team. My wife Rabri will decide which player will represent Bihar.
Subhash Bapurao Wandhede (Shiv Sena) : So now you want to get into the cricket team as well. WE, no I am sorry, THE PEOPLE SHALL NOT LET THIS HAPPEN!! THE PEOPLE WILL GO ON STRIKE AND THE PEOPLE CAN ALSO RESORT TO VIOLENCE. Not the Shiv Sena though, we will have nothing to do with all that.
Prakash Karat (CPI-M) : The basic thing we are discussing here is the Indian bowling. It is obvious that it is poor because of injuries. And the reason for the injuries are also very clear. It is a clear case of Western imperialism. These players keep going abroad for treatment. They should stay in India and get treated. Then they will not face so many injuries.
S M Krishna (Congress) : Or Pakistan. That will definitely be a good confidence building measure. Maybe I should consult with GK Pillai and inform Shah Mehmood Qureshi. (scoots off)
Anand Rao Adsul (Shiv Sena) : Madam Speaker, we are going nowhere with this discussion. With your permission, I would like to suggest a new team which would Mr. Pawar could consider.
Meira Kumar : Please go ahead.
Anand Rao Adsul ( Shiv Sena) : Pawar Saheb, this should be the Indian cricket team : Wasim Jaffer, Sahil Kukreja, Ajinkya Rahane, Sachin Tendulkar, Abhishek Nayar, Vinayak Samant, Ajit Agarkar, Zaheer Khan, Ramesh Powar, Dhawal Kulkarni and Avishkar Salvi.
Sanjay Nirupam (Congress) : This is not your cricket team. This is the INDIAN cricket team. There has to be representation from all over India. This is not a communal team.
Anand Rao Adsul ( Shiv Sena) : This is not communal. The greatest player in India is Marathi. So naturally every player has to be Marathi if you want greatness. But then, how can I expect YOU to understand that?
Kapil Sibal (Congress) : Gentlemen please. Let us be civil here. I suggest we all pay attention to Mr. Karat’s comment. And to study these injuries which he was referring to, I will open more IITs and then more IIMs to implement the solutions which we can get from these studies.
Dara Singh Chauhan (BSP) : Well in that case, I demand higher reservation for Dalits!
M K Azhagiri (DMK) : Higher reservations for SC and ST too. Our Kalaignar Karunanidhi has a dream that all Indians should be on an equal standing.
Raghuvir Singh Meena (Congress) : I demand that the Gujjars be included in the list for STs!!
Anand Rao Adsul ( Shiv Sena) : [coming to the well with the other Shiv Sena MPs] MARATHIS FOR THE INDIAN TEAM!! JAI TENDULKAR!! JAI MAHARASHTRA!
Laloo Prasad Yadav (RJD) : [coming to the well with RJD MPs] MORE BIHARIS IN THE INDIAN TEAM!!!
Meira Kumar : That is it!! This House is adjourned.
Meanwhile in far away Sri Lanka.
MS Dhoni : Bhaj. How about bowling wicket to wicket, rather than 10 feet outside off?
Harbhajan Singh : Ok.
MS Dhoni : Right then boys. Let us go do some more leather hunting.
