Fixing a fixer

You have to hand it to Harbhajan Singh. The man’s in-built sneakometer is absolutely out of this world. Half a decade before the entire world realized it, Bhajji had already figured out the sneak that was Sreesanth. Slapgate my friends, was not simply a case of a hot headed man losing his shirt after a game. In a move, strangely reminiscent of Minority Report, it was just a case of Harbhajan doing then, what the entire country feels like doing to Sreesanth right now. One tight resounding slap. For this. And for every other time he decided his job was not to give his all on the field, but to try and outdo Hrithik Roshan. Sure he got under the skin of the Aussies. Sure he took the catch which won us the T20 World Cup. But deliberately sabotaging a cricket match to earn 40 lakhs when you are already earning crores from the IPL, sponsorships and endorsements? You have to be a fool of a special kind to do something like that.

Unless he is the smartest of the lot. In today’s world of intrigue, there is hardly anything outside the realm of possibility. So while I was sitting here pondering his motives, I was suddenly granted a fly on the wall view of what was going through his brain when he got convinced to do his bit of spot-fixing. And before you scoff, it has happened to me before. With David Beckham nonetheless.

Sreesanth: F**k*n s**t. My international career is going nowhere. Srini and the BCCI are never going to give me a new contract unless I pick up my form. Where does my money come from? What do I even do? Hmm..let me call up the guy who I know will get me a nice fat payday.

Picks up a phone and dials a number with one swinging hand movement all in one go. Breaks into a little jig out of happiness while the phone rings.

Sreesanth: Hello?

On the line: Bh@#@#*d kaun?

Sreesanth: Hello? Virat bhai? Sree here.

Virat Kohli: Ma#@$*&&*d!! Mallya’s party isn’t until tonight! And for the last time ever mother#*$@r!!! You aren’t invited to dance at the RCB party. Attend as a bloody fu#$*ng guest if you want to. And get some hot one along with you, if you can manage it. Now leave me fu*&$%#ng alone and let me get my 5 day stubble to perfection. C*#t!!

BANG!! Silence for a couple of mins as Sreesanth adjusts his multiple wrist bands touches his temple twice and sends out a quick prayer before exhaling.

Sreesanth: Oh dear! That didn’t go too well. There goes my plan to be the Prabhu Deva of today’s generation. Pretty sure if I had made Vijay Mallya look at my moves, he would have called up Arindam Chaudhri and Planman would have offered me a film role on the spot. Hmm maybe I can go to the Gulf like all my other friends and try my luck. But I can’t even play for UAE having represented India. And who will want to look at me if they can look at actual belly dancers. Hmm let me call up a lawyer and see what he can come up with.

Picks up a phone and a phone directory, sweeps through it and dials a number with one swinging hand movement all in one go. Breaks into another little jig out of happiness while the phone rings.

On the line: Hello! Former Ajmal Kasab lawyer, Abbas Kazmi here. I also appeared on Bigg Boss. Who is this?

Sreesanth: Hello Abbas sir! My name is Sreesanth. My money is running out and I want to earn some more money quickly sir. I know you make the impossible happen sir. Like defending Kasab. Something which no sane person would do. Can you do your magic for me also sir?

Abbas Kazmi: Of course Sree. Now we are friends. So I’ll call you Sree. OK? So I made a friend during my Bigg Boss days. He routinely helps cricketers when they need to make more money. Very charming guy. His name? Vindoo Dara Singh. I will get you in touch with him. OK? And I will take 5% of what you make OK? Good! You can forget cricket. Get into reality TV. Enter a few shows. You will be famous in India and the world. Look at Kim Kardashian. See what reality TV can do for you. Cricket is fine. That is done. You can do a little on the side if you want to.

Sreesanth: OK Abbas. I will call up this Mr. Vindoo.

And the rest is pretty well known.

Dumb you thought? Absolute genius I tell you.

CIAO CIAO!!

Well a couple of goodbyes to hand out this week.

Manchester United fans the world over were saying goodbye after the retirement of one of their greatest ever managers in Sir Alex Ferguson. 27 years of managing one of the biggest football teams in the world and chewing his way through 2700 kg of chewing gum in the process. It has been a remarkably successful career. Even without the chewing gum. To be honest, the man never gave me much joy as an Arsenal fan. The only joy I have ever had at his expense was a recreation of the 2004 Battle of the Buffet in my head. The image of a pizza slice thrown by Cesc Fabregas hitting him square in the face and sliding on to his suit puts me into guffaws even today.

Time and again he thwarted Arsenal, sometimes even beating us with bizarre tactics like playing 8 defenders in the starting 11. And in his final year, he lured away our captain and top scorer in a cheeky piece of business which left all of us Arsenal fans infuriated. He made me envious of his team’s success and his haranguing of referees and officials made me absolutely loathe him. No, this man brought me no joy whatsoever. But then, that wasn't his job. It was his job as a rival manager to make me go green with envy at his own success. And that he managed to do very well. He earned my respect and my grudging admiration as a winner and I am really relieved to see the back of him, in the hope that it will make life a little easier for my own team.

So goodbye Sir Alex. You have earned your rest. I will miss watching United play and commenting, ‘Oh of course he bought Howard Webb!’ Your drive to win and your red faced fury at losing will be missed. And I wish you a healthy and a far more peaceful retired life.

There was another sendoff on a smaller scale which I wanted to give this time. To my sanity.

Now just as a backdrop, there have been several corruption scandals in our country over the past few years. The line of scandals which are exposed nearly every couple of days would probably far outstrip the line of people waiting for a ticket to an India- Pakistan cricket match at the Eden Gardens (if there ever would be a line for that). Nearly every part of the government has come under fire for being riddled with corruption scandals. The PM has been chastised as a weak individual with not enough personality or conviction to stamp his authority and clean image on his ministry. Hamstrung by corrupt ministers who would rather pay obeisance to the higher Italian deity than do any good for our nation, he has, quite generously in my opinion, been described as an underachiever.

And so in the backdrop of all that, it has been quite amusing to watch the Congress parading its victory in Karnataka as a victory against corruption. Several of its leaders came out and criticized the previous state government for its corrupt image and claimed that their huge majority was a victory for their clean image. Considering the shenanigans conducted by their own party people in the Central government, they would be well advised to look up irony in the dictionary and then take a nice big slice of humble pie. Thrice a day. And serve some of it to Mr. Yeddyurappa who is apparently pretty miffed at having missed out on his birthday celebrations.

Victory against corruption? Goodbye sanity. It was nice knowing you while you lasted.

Until later!