Fixing a fixer

You have to hand it to Harbhajan Singh. The man’s in-built sneakometer is absolutely out of this world. Half a decade before the entire world realized it, Bhajji had already figured out the sneak that was Sreesanth. Slapgate my friends, was not simply a case of a hot headed man losing his shirt after a game. In a move, strangely reminiscent of Minority Report, it was just a case of Harbhajan doing then, what the entire country feels like doing to Sreesanth right now. One tight resounding slap. For this. And for every other time he decided his job was not to give his all on the field, but to try and outdo Hrithik Roshan. Sure he got under the skin of the Aussies. Sure he took the catch which won us the T20 World Cup. But deliberately sabotaging a cricket match to earn 40 lakhs when you are already earning crores from the IPL, sponsorships and endorsements? You have to be a fool of a special kind to do something like that.

Unless he is the smartest of the lot. In today’s world of intrigue, there is hardly anything outside the realm of possibility. So while I was sitting here pondering his motives, I was suddenly granted a fly on the wall view of what was going through his brain when he got convinced to do his bit of spot-fixing. And before you scoff, it has happened to me before. With David Beckham nonetheless.

Sreesanth: F**k*n s**t. My international career is going nowhere. Srini and the BCCI are never going to give me a new contract unless I pick up my form. Where does my money come from? What do I even do? Hmm..let me call up the guy who I know will get me a nice fat payday.

Picks up a phone and dials a number with one swinging hand movement all in one go. Breaks into a little jig out of happiness while the phone rings.

Sreesanth: Hello?

On the line: Bh@#@#*d kaun?

Sreesanth: Hello? Virat bhai? Sree here.

Virat Kohli: Ma#@$*&&*d!! Mallya’s party isn’t until tonight! And for the last time ever mother#*$@r!!! You aren’t invited to dance at the RCB party. Attend as a bloody fu#$*ng guest if you want to. And get some hot one along with you, if you can manage it. Now leave me fu*&$%#ng alone and let me get my 5 day stubble to perfection. C*#t!!

BANG!! Silence for a couple of mins as Sreesanth adjusts his multiple wrist bands touches his temple twice and sends out a quick prayer before exhaling.

Sreesanth: Oh dear! That didn’t go too well. There goes my plan to be the Prabhu Deva of today’s generation. Pretty sure if I had made Vijay Mallya look at my moves, he would have called up Arindam Chaudhri and Planman would have offered me a film role on the spot. Hmm maybe I can go to the Gulf like all my other friends and try my luck. But I can’t even play for UAE having represented India. And who will want to look at me if they can look at actual belly dancers. Hmm let me call up a lawyer and see what he can come up with.

Picks up a phone and a phone directory, sweeps through it and dials a number with one swinging hand movement all in one go. Breaks into another little jig out of happiness while the phone rings.

On the line: Hello! Former Ajmal Kasab lawyer, Abbas Kazmi here. I also appeared on Bigg Boss. Who is this?

Sreesanth: Hello Abbas sir! My name is Sreesanth. My money is running out and I want to earn some more money quickly sir. I know you make the impossible happen sir. Like defending Kasab. Something which no sane person would do. Can you do your magic for me also sir?

Abbas Kazmi: Of course Sree. Now we are friends. So I’ll call you Sree. OK? So I made a friend during my Bigg Boss days. He routinely helps cricketers when they need to make more money. Very charming guy. His name? Vindoo Dara Singh. I will get you in touch with him. OK? And I will take 5% of what you make OK? Good! You can forget cricket. Get into reality TV. Enter a few shows. You will be famous in India and the world. Look at Kim Kardashian. See what reality TV can do for you. Cricket is fine. That is done. You can do a little on the side if you want to.

Sreesanth: OK Abbas. I will call up this Mr. Vindoo.

And the rest is pretty well known.

Dumb you thought? Absolute genius I tell you.

A Bit of This and a Bit of THAT

Wow! That was quite a busy month! Resulting in a very Manmohan-esque radio silence. I must admit though, that it has not been all work.

The IPL has started and today’s post is like our typical IPL player. I was too intrigued trying out some Jumping Jhapaking followed by some Thumping Thapaking to actually put my brain to some work. Farah Khan is a genius. Even bigger than the late Steve Jobs if I have to be absolutely honest. 10 years back I would have been delighted to have a phone where I could call without it dropping every 10 minutes. Come to think of it, I would be happy for a phone like that even now. But then now when my call acts truant, I can check my email, my calendar and throw in some quality games to kill the time. I never knew I needed those things. But now I do. Anyway, I digress. Back to Farah Khan. 10 years back, dancing at a boundary being hit or a wicket being taken was supposed to be the sole preserve of Billy Bowden. Not anymore. Now I do it. And I am sure in sometime I wouldn’t be able to do without it and would desperately need some backsides to Thumping Thapak when Tendulkar got out.

I love how the IPL has made us de-sensitized to things which would have been unthinkable a decade back. DLF Yes Bank Maximums. The Zoozoos. The Double Ds. Danny Morrison. The MRF Blimp (sniff! Where art thou?). A bellowing RAVI SHASTRI!!!! Sanjay Manjrekar calling a run rate of 8 runs per over slow. They have all seeped into our consciousness and as much as the Englishmen deny it, into test cricket as well. We no longer think it is a big deal to score 400 runs in a day of cricket. Geoff Boycott and Aakash Chopra are appalled at the run rates we see in Test cricket these days. And Chris Gayle is the ultimate Anti Christ for them.

Speaking of Chris Gayle, the man was on a mission (Yes I regularly read The Ravi Shastri Guidebook to Clichés). He may have congratulated Manchester United on winning their 20th title. But his ego would not allow an innings of his to be out-commented on Facebook by some wee football team. And so he went on a rampage to rid Facebook of all Champ20ns posts. Success. And how! Reports of poor Mitchell Marsh and Aaron Finch being coaxed out of the dressing room with free bottles of Fosters may not be entirely off the mark. As if the willow bashing wasn’t enough, Gayle also returned to do some Gangnam Style by picking a couple of wickets. He literally carried the RCB team on his shoulders. Actually I see now, why he might have wanted to congratulate Manchester United **cough Dutch slimeball cough**.



Aside from all the frivolous stuff, it has not been a particularly happy time for Facebook posts. Rapes and bombings don’t really make for pleasant reading. And I do think people have been taking all the Facebook activism a little too far as well. Post after post blames the government for the rapes. ‘TAKE ACTION, THE ELECTIONS ARE COMING’, they scream. Cut it out folks. Voting out a government isn’t going to stop anything. The government is not responsible for these reprehensible acts. Moral depravity cannot be cured by tougher laws. The laws are in place. Speedy and tougher justice can be demanded for. But demanding a change in government does nothing. Protesting against the government for corruption and red tape is justified. They are responsible for it. How is Manmohan Singh responsible for a random fully grown man thinking it is right to sexually assault a 5 year old girl? A change in mentality is brought about by better education. Not tougher laws. This isn’t North Korea. And even they need education to brainwash their citizens into thinking what is acceptable.

We cannot blame the government for everything. That is what will stop them from acting on issues which they can really do something about. And then who will we blame? Until next time then.