Fixing a fixer

You have to hand it to Harbhajan Singh. The man’s in-built sneakometer is absolutely out of this world. Half a decade before the entire world realized it, Bhajji had already figured out the sneak that was Sreesanth. Slapgate my friends, was not simply a case of a hot headed man losing his shirt after a game. In a move, strangely reminiscent of Minority Report, it was just a case of Harbhajan doing then, what the entire country feels like doing to Sreesanth right now. One tight resounding slap. For this. And for every other time he decided his job was not to give his all on the field, but to try and outdo Hrithik Roshan. Sure he got under the skin of the Aussies. Sure he took the catch which won us the T20 World Cup. But deliberately sabotaging a cricket match to earn 40 lakhs when you are already earning crores from the IPL, sponsorships and endorsements? You have to be a fool of a special kind to do something like that.

Unless he is the smartest of the lot. In today’s world of intrigue, there is hardly anything outside the realm of possibility. So while I was sitting here pondering his motives, I was suddenly granted a fly on the wall view of what was going through his brain when he got convinced to do his bit of spot-fixing. And before you scoff, it has happened to me before. With David Beckham nonetheless.

Sreesanth: F**k*n s**t. My international career is going nowhere. Srini and the BCCI are never going to give me a new contract unless I pick up my form. Where does my money come from? What do I even do? Hmm..let me call up the guy who I know will get me a nice fat payday.

Picks up a phone and dials a number with one swinging hand movement all in one go. Breaks into a little jig out of happiness while the phone rings.

Sreesanth: Hello?

On the line: Bh@#@#*d kaun?

Sreesanth: Hello? Virat bhai? Sree here.

Virat Kohli: Ma#@$*&&*d!! Mallya’s party isn’t until tonight! And for the last time ever mother#*$@r!!! You aren’t invited to dance at the RCB party. Attend as a bloody fu#$*ng guest if you want to. And get some hot one along with you, if you can manage it. Now leave me fu*&$%#ng alone and let me get my 5 day stubble to perfection. C*#t!!

BANG!! Silence for a couple of mins as Sreesanth adjusts his multiple wrist bands touches his temple twice and sends out a quick prayer before exhaling.

Sreesanth: Oh dear! That didn’t go too well. There goes my plan to be the Prabhu Deva of today’s generation. Pretty sure if I had made Vijay Mallya look at my moves, he would have called up Arindam Chaudhri and Planman would have offered me a film role on the spot. Hmm maybe I can go to the Gulf like all my other friends and try my luck. But I can’t even play for UAE having represented India. And who will want to look at me if they can look at actual belly dancers. Hmm let me call up a lawyer and see what he can come up with.

Picks up a phone and a phone directory, sweeps through it and dials a number with one swinging hand movement all in one go. Breaks into another little jig out of happiness while the phone rings.

On the line: Hello! Former Ajmal Kasab lawyer, Abbas Kazmi here. I also appeared on Bigg Boss. Who is this?

Sreesanth: Hello Abbas sir! My name is Sreesanth. My money is running out and I want to earn some more money quickly sir. I know you make the impossible happen sir. Like defending Kasab. Something which no sane person would do. Can you do your magic for me also sir?

Abbas Kazmi: Of course Sree. Now we are friends. So I’ll call you Sree. OK? So I made a friend during my Bigg Boss days. He routinely helps cricketers when they need to make more money. Very charming guy. His name? Vindoo Dara Singh. I will get you in touch with him. OK? And I will take 5% of what you make OK? Good! You can forget cricket. Get into reality TV. Enter a few shows. You will be famous in India and the world. Look at Kim Kardashian. See what reality TV can do for you. Cricket is fine. That is done. You can do a little on the side if you want to.

Sreesanth: OK Abbas. I will call up this Mr. Vindoo.

And the rest is pretty well known.

Dumb you thought? Absolute genius I tell you.

CIAO CIAO!!

Well a couple of goodbyes to hand out this week.

Manchester United fans the world over were saying goodbye after the retirement of one of their greatest ever managers in Sir Alex Ferguson. 27 years of managing one of the biggest football teams in the world and chewing his way through 2700 kg of chewing gum in the process. It has been a remarkably successful career. Even without the chewing gum. To be honest, the man never gave me much joy as an Arsenal fan. The only joy I have ever had at his expense was a recreation of the 2004 Battle of the Buffet in my head. The image of a pizza slice thrown by Cesc Fabregas hitting him square in the face and sliding on to his suit puts me into guffaws even today.

Time and again he thwarted Arsenal, sometimes even beating us with bizarre tactics like playing 8 defenders in the starting 11. And in his final year, he lured away our captain and top scorer in a cheeky piece of business which left all of us Arsenal fans infuriated. He made me envious of his team’s success and his haranguing of referees and officials made me absolutely loathe him. No, this man brought me no joy whatsoever. But then, that wasn't his job. It was his job as a rival manager to make me go green with envy at his own success. And that he managed to do very well. He earned my respect and my grudging admiration as a winner and I am really relieved to see the back of him, in the hope that it will make life a little easier for my own team.

So goodbye Sir Alex. You have earned your rest. I will miss watching United play and commenting, ‘Oh of course he bought Howard Webb!’ Your drive to win and your red faced fury at losing will be missed. And I wish you a healthy and a far more peaceful retired life.

There was another sendoff on a smaller scale which I wanted to give this time. To my sanity.

Now just as a backdrop, there have been several corruption scandals in our country over the past few years. The line of scandals which are exposed nearly every couple of days would probably far outstrip the line of people waiting for a ticket to an India- Pakistan cricket match at the Eden Gardens (if there ever would be a line for that). Nearly every part of the government has come under fire for being riddled with corruption scandals. The PM has been chastised as a weak individual with not enough personality or conviction to stamp his authority and clean image on his ministry. Hamstrung by corrupt ministers who would rather pay obeisance to the higher Italian deity than do any good for our nation, he has, quite generously in my opinion, been described as an underachiever.

And so in the backdrop of all that, it has been quite amusing to watch the Congress parading its victory in Karnataka as a victory against corruption. Several of its leaders came out and criticized the previous state government for its corrupt image and claimed that their huge majority was a victory for their clean image. Considering the shenanigans conducted by their own party people in the Central government, they would be well advised to look up irony in the dictionary and then take a nice big slice of humble pie. Thrice a day. And serve some of it to Mr. Yeddyurappa who is apparently pretty miffed at having missed out on his birthday celebrations.

Victory against corruption? Goodbye sanity. It was nice knowing you while you lasted.

Until later!

A Bit of This and a Bit of THAT

Wow! That was quite a busy month! Resulting in a very Manmohan-esque radio silence. I must admit though, that it has not been all work.

The IPL has started and today’s post is like our typical IPL player. I was too intrigued trying out some Jumping Jhapaking followed by some Thumping Thapaking to actually put my brain to some work. Farah Khan is a genius. Even bigger than the late Steve Jobs if I have to be absolutely honest. 10 years back I would have been delighted to have a phone where I could call without it dropping every 10 minutes. Come to think of it, I would be happy for a phone like that even now. But then now when my call acts truant, I can check my email, my calendar and throw in some quality games to kill the time. I never knew I needed those things. But now I do. Anyway, I digress. Back to Farah Khan. 10 years back, dancing at a boundary being hit or a wicket being taken was supposed to be the sole preserve of Billy Bowden. Not anymore. Now I do it. And I am sure in sometime I wouldn’t be able to do without it and would desperately need some backsides to Thumping Thapak when Tendulkar got out.

I love how the IPL has made us de-sensitized to things which would have been unthinkable a decade back. DLF Yes Bank Maximums. The Zoozoos. The Double Ds. Danny Morrison. The MRF Blimp (sniff! Where art thou?). A bellowing RAVI SHASTRI!!!! Sanjay Manjrekar calling a run rate of 8 runs per over slow. They have all seeped into our consciousness and as much as the Englishmen deny it, into test cricket as well. We no longer think it is a big deal to score 400 runs in a day of cricket. Geoff Boycott and Aakash Chopra are appalled at the run rates we see in Test cricket these days. And Chris Gayle is the ultimate Anti Christ for them.

Speaking of Chris Gayle, the man was on a mission (Yes I regularly read The Ravi Shastri Guidebook to Clichés). He may have congratulated Manchester United on winning their 20th title. But his ego would not allow an innings of his to be out-commented on Facebook by some wee football team. And so he went on a rampage to rid Facebook of all Champ20ns posts. Success. And how! Reports of poor Mitchell Marsh and Aaron Finch being coaxed out of the dressing room with free bottles of Fosters may not be entirely off the mark. As if the willow bashing wasn’t enough, Gayle also returned to do some Gangnam Style by picking a couple of wickets. He literally carried the RCB team on his shoulders. Actually I see now, why he might have wanted to congratulate Manchester United **cough Dutch slimeball cough**.



Aside from all the frivolous stuff, it has not been a particularly happy time for Facebook posts. Rapes and bombings don’t really make for pleasant reading. And I do think people have been taking all the Facebook activism a little too far as well. Post after post blames the government for the rapes. ‘TAKE ACTION, THE ELECTIONS ARE COMING’, they scream. Cut it out folks. Voting out a government isn’t going to stop anything. The government is not responsible for these reprehensible acts. Moral depravity cannot be cured by tougher laws. The laws are in place. Speedy and tougher justice can be demanded for. But demanding a change in government does nothing. Protesting against the government for corruption and red tape is justified. They are responsible for it. How is Manmohan Singh responsible for a random fully grown man thinking it is right to sexually assault a 5 year old girl? A change in mentality is brought about by better education. Not tougher laws. This isn’t North Korea. And even they need education to brainwash their citizens into thinking what is acceptable.

We cannot blame the government for everything. That is what will stop them from acting on issues which they can really do something about. And then who will we blame? Until next time then.

Zip it Markandey

I like Sanjay Dutt as an actor. I have watched his Munnabhai movies several times over and each time I have laughed as hard as I did the first time. I admire the fact that he has managed to clean up his drug addiction issues, conquer his personal demons and at least on the surface of it, has become an ideal hard working family man. Precisely the reason why I feel for him, that he has to spend three and a half years in prison. Away from the life and his family that he has painstakingly built up and had on track over all these years.

But a pardon you say, Markandey Katju? What for? So Sanjay Dutt has had trouble getting bank loans approved and needs permission from the court every time he has to travel abroad to do shooting his films. So what? Half of India has troubles in getting bank loans approved. Getting visas approved to even visit abroad is a big ask for some, let alone getting one to work there. So let’s face it. Had he not been a famous star, as a convicted felon, he probably wouldn’t have been eligible for a bank loan or a visa anyway. Imagine a normal person getting convicted on even a simple crime like cheating. That is effectively the end of his life. Everywhere he went he would be a person marked by his conviction. And let us not forget that Sanjay was convicted under a far more heinous crime of terrorism. The fact that he has managed to rebuild his life after that is as a much a testament to his own will power as it is to the fact that he has had an extremely influential father. Sunil Dutt did a lot of good for the country. And he harvested all the goodwill that he earned for Sanjay. To ask for pardon for Sanjay based on the fact that his father has done a lot of good for this country is utterly ridiculous. The country has given him a lot of leeway in allowing him to rebuild his life and that is as much as a country can do for the father’s good work.

Mr. Katju has also been arguing that Sanjay has been upholding the very ideals India was built on by promoting Gandhigiri in his movies. In fact one can probably argue that he even took it a bit too far when he offered to give Mayawati a Jaadu ki Jhappi when he stood in the elections himself. But cast your mind back to the movie which re-established Sanjay in the Hindi movie industry after his release from prison. The movie which proved that he could be a bankable star again. Vaastav. A movie about and which glorified the Mumbai underworld. Who was responsible for the 1993 terror attacks? The Mumbai underworld. Not exactly trying to atone for his mistakes there was he? Given the fact that he had been convicted for events related to the attacks, it was probably insensitive on his part to star in such a movie. If you want a pardon based on his Gandhigiri in movies, I guess an equal argument can be made to convict him based on his underworld glorification in movies.

Sanjay Dutt may not be a bad person. He may just have been foolish and badly advised. And ended up being in the wrong place at the wrong time. But that is no excuse. He probably understands that himself. Which is probably why he personally isn’t asking for a pardon for himself. However innocently foolish he might have been, he still committed a mistake and if punishment for that is prison, then prison it is.

And dear Justice Katju, if you are so interested in getting pardon for reformed characters, maybe you can start with the thousands of under trial prisoners who are locked up for years in our prisons awaiting the movement of our painfully slow legal system. You can probably make better use of your judicial skills and affect many more lives that way.

Tech Twister!

It has given me a headache this last week. Trying to understand what age we are in. On one hand, we have a new pope. Communicated to us by the oldest form of communication known to man. No not the Maine Pyar Kiya version of pigeons delivering love letters to Salman Khan. Try further back. Smoke signals. Can you believe that? There is hope that the new pope will be more progressive in matters of women ordainment, contraception and gay marriage. Yes. Remind me how they informed us of his election in the first place. Yes. Smoke signals. In this world of constant 24 hour breaking updates from people who inform us ‘What a beautiful day! Good Morning friends!’ (5 people like this), we had to rely on smoke signals. And we are thinking of progressiveness. I will give the Pope some credit though. After ages and ages of people choosing the same names over and over again, to the extent that the last one had to be XVI, there is a ring of originality to Francis I. A step in the right direction then. Now to wait another 2000 years for Snoop Dogg I.

A couple of days after our history lesson in communications, came the Koreans. Nope, not the bloody thirsty horde led by His Supreme Fatness from the north. This was Samsung threatening to devour Apple right down to the core and spit it out with disdain. Developing a phone which senses when you are looking at it, we apparently don’t even have to touch the phone to scroll through items. In the mornings it even sprouts arms to pick us up from the bed and dump us into the shower. All the while uploading a ‘What a beautiful day! Good Morning friends!’ status to Facebook. Now that, is communication!

Speaking of Facebook, they are apparently are looking to copy Twitter and bringing hash tagging to Facebook. A little too late aren’t we, Mr. Zuckerberg? Haven’t you noticed the growing number of people determined to annoy the rest of the world by hash tagging their posts? Dumbing it down for the rest of us common folk so that we understand the context of their smart joke or the origin of their exotic food. Just a couple of annoying examples which have presented themselves (#smh)

1. What a ball Ravindra Jadeja! #Respect
2. Ah! Delicious Maitales Alfajores! #LatinAmericanFood
3. Japan is unbelievable! #Believe (This is an actual one)

So there you have it Facebook. The twitter gravy train has long hit you and run you over, spilling gravy all over the spotless blue and white logo of yours. You have long missed the bus. Good luck coming up with something more innovative! Like a new app to block Criminal Investigation or something. That would definitely have a market.

So then. Have a wonderful evening. Happy weekend friends! (0 likes) #Logging off

Yahoo-ing to work

So the internet has been up in arms about Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer’s diktat to her employees to report to office for work or presumably quit their jobs if they couldn't do so. Working from home is no longer an option. Given how Yahoo has been doing the past few years, it is pretty obvious that ‘work’ isn't the only thing happening at home. But dear Yahoo employees. Worry not! As you grumble your way to work on a Monday morning, here are a few things to look forward to which you probably wouldn't get sitting at home:

1.The free coffee
Cups and cups of it. Considering that coffee is almost half the monthly budget as a student, free coffee is second only to free food. Additionally, the 3 feet between the coffee machine and the sugar stack has probably replaced the water cooler as the best place to swap gossip about your boss. Which when you have a boss like Marissa Mayer, might not necessarily be a bad thing!

2.The joy of the best parking spot
Big companies, lots of people (duh!). Lots of people, lots of cars. And what can be a better start to the day, than to find a parking spot right next to the door. The joyous realization that you don’t have to negotiate 10 minutes through the ice (or heat) to that damned entrance which seems to be at the other end of the world otherwise. Surely a day can’t get too bad when the first omens in the morning are so encouraging. The feeling is second only to the one when you head out for lunch and then come back and grab someone else’s ‘prime location’. Accomplishment!

3.Switching off and still working
The overly long staff and status meetings. You stand up, do your 5 minutes and then for the remaining 55, you try to fight off drowsiness as you listen to people who you would have no interaction with otherwise, trying to peacock their way into the boss’s good books. Aided by that ubiquitous cup of coffee of course. But here is the best part. Those 55 minutes when you sit and contemplate your plans for world domination if you weren’t encumbered by the trappings of office, still count towards the 8 hours of work!

4.The co-worker who can always be heard
Now there are several people who have become used to the home space and might have difficulty finding their way around the big office in their first few days. So if you get lost sometimes, there is a quick fix. There will always be one person who can be heard from any corner of the office. Locate that voice, set your bearings and home in on that location. And voila! You are in familiar territory again. If you are particularly poor at negotiating directions, there is tremendous satisfaction to be gained from finding your seat without losing yourself atleast twice in a big office!

5.The quirky co-worker
Mayer might have touched on this when she said, that working from home doesn’t encourage collaborations with other co-workers. But there is more to it than meets the eye. More than collaborating, the quirky co-workers will make the workplace a really fun place to be. The chatty one who will always want to know what you did on the weekend till Wednesday and then grill you on your plans for the weekend on Thursday and Friday. The one who exists to eat and will drag you to every restaurant within a 15 minute radius for lunch. The sleepy one who can be found taking a snooze behind his screen once a day. The flustered one who is permanently busy and is forever running around complaining that 24 hours are not enough in a day. They make work a fun place to be! Even the weary one who has been waiting to quit for a lucrative job for the last 20 years.

So all you Yahoo-ites or Yahoo-ers or whatever you call yourselves, get out of that house and head back to office. There is much to look forward to!

The Excuse Conundrum

Poor old Manmohan Singh. His government had just started the week in an absolute ballsy manner by (finally!) hanging Afzal Guru. He was looking forward to a quiet evening curled up against the Delhi winter, under his blanket and reading his favorite economics textbook. But when was the last time his ministers ever left him in peace do his net present value calculations. No sooner had he crunched his first numbers into his calculator, there came a rude interrupting call informing him that another scandal was brewing in his ministry. The VVIP chopper controversy they called it. Again he was called in to firefight something he had nothing to do with. Damn these people! When was the last time he had managed to put a value on his own assets? As the night wore long, he thought of stepping down due to old age and health reasons. “Let them get a younger guy. Make Rahul Gandhi the PM for all I care! Leave me in peace with my numbers”, he thought. Until by the time he decided to act on it, he was beaten to that reason by the Pope. “Oh lord these Italians! (Conveniently forgetting the fact that the Pope was actually German, but hey he lives and works in Rome. Practically Italian.) One of them listened to her inner voice and left me holding the can. The other just beat me to the best excuse I had ever dreamed up! That does it! What this country needs, is a big, healthy, fat dose of Kim Jong un!”

Not that the Supreme Leader is having everything his own way. A low grade earthquake in his country was apparently a result of his clandestine attempt at losing some weight by attempting to do the Gangnam Style moves in the middle of the night. He was able to explain it away as yet another ‘underground nuclear test’ conducted by his country, but his explanations are starting to run a bit thin now. After explaining away his first attempt as a rocket launch and the second as a nuclear test, there are only so many times he can give similar reasons to distract from his real motives. Maybe he can talk to Pakistan and figure out how they get away with infiltrations and cease fire violations on the border, giving the same ‘Who me? No way that was me!’ response every single time.

Speaking of Pakistan, someone has finally decided to play cricket with them. No it wasn’t India. The South Africans agreed to showcase and train the Pakistanis in their finely honed choking talents on the cricket field. True to form, the Pakistanis unveiled another mysterious fast bowler picked up from the backwaters of the country. What is so mysterious about Mohammad Irfan is that on Cricinfo, he has been described as the tallest cricketer ever and ‘the PCB has variously measured him at 6'8", 6'10" and 7'1"’. No he isn’t in his growing stage. The guy is 30 years old for heaven’s sake! How difficult is to measure someone’s height if he hasn’t grown in the last 12 years? Though in that same vein I ask, how difficult is to determine Shahid Afridi’s actual age? The guy seems to have a younger age reported every year I read about him. Going by that analogy, I can say with some surety that Irfan will probably be measured at about 9'10" by the time he ends his career. Safely giving the title of the tallest cricketer ever to Pakistan. Why can't they just get up on a step ladder and put a scale on his head?

Sigh! Expecting people in three countries to get their reasons and excuses straight. I would have a better chance of success, if I wanted to see Mallika Sherawat fully covered up for a movie role.



You have got to be kidding me! Now bring on the excuses!

Too much snow? Make a bigger snowman!

A cloudy Groundhog Day greeted us last week. Hurrah! End of winter. Spring is around the corner! Staying in a picturesque place, I started dreaming about the trees filling out again, nice smelling flowers blooming out and drives becoming more color filled.

But then trying to trust the weather to be consistent, is like leaving John Terry near anything in a skirt and expecting nothing to happen. So just a short week after promising the end of winter, comes the biggest snowfall of the winter. “UPTO 3 FEET OF SNOW PREDICTED OVER THE WEEKEND” screamed headlines. As if the headlines weren’t enough, out went reporters in oversized bulky jackets, caps and gloves and interviewed every man and his dog, coining the term ‘thundersnow’ in the process. Stock up on food! Stock up on gas! Stock up on drinks! States are in lockdown. Flights are cancelled. Schedules have been thrown into chaos. Superstorm after superstorm. All I need now is Donald Trump and his shimmering halo hair filling up my TV screen promising to give 5 million dollars to a local charity if President Obama keeps the snow from interfering with the latest episode of Celebrity Apprentice. Probably the Mayans were right after all, just a few weeks off?

Except, it is still winter. And this is Michigan after all. A place which can receive upto 25 feet of snow during the winter. 3 feet of snow? Big deal, we’ll just get our cameras out and make a postcard of the sight. Get the shovels out. Clear the driveways and head out to work. No impending doomsdays. No fuss. As one politico, who quite obviously forgot his script, put it, “Stay at home, relax and read a good book.” And that quite really, is it. Why all the fuss because winter suddenly decided to behave like winter? Of course, in places not quite used to the winter, this is a big deal. Kick up an almighty fuss in places where people have grown up with blizzards and snowstorms and you will be greeted with incredulous looks. No amount of cold is too cold. No amount of snow is too much.

As a once famous British poster, now popularized by endless memes goes, KEEP CALM AND KEEP BUILDING SNOWMEN.

Hit me baby one more time

This song seems to be on a loop in the playlist of quite a few people in the recent while. Admittedly, there are different interpretations that each one makes out of it, but royalty paid to Britney Spears has certainly gone through the roof.

1. Donald Trump

He has been reportedly listening to it with a manic gleam in his eyes. The more controversies he is hit with, the better. He revels in taking stick as the leader of Obama's birther conspiracies. So much so that he recently had to release his own birth certificate to prove that he wasn't fathered by an orangutan (Serious!). What a triumph that was!

2. Barack Obama

The poor guy has been listening to it with a rather resigned look on his face. He can't seem to do anything these days without escaping criticism. Budget. BAM! Foreign affairs. BAM! Holidays with family. BAM BAM!! "What has Biden been up to again? Oh come on now!!"

3. Lance Armstrong

A modified version of this is apparently a long time favorite of Lance and he sang it everyday until 2005. Or so he claims. It goes, "Hit me up baby one more time. With needles, syringes and epinephrine". He has been heard listening to it again recently though. Dosing up before delivering one of the most sham apologies the world has seen?

4. Maria Sharapova

The women's dressing room is apparently cowering in terror as Maria starts shrieking this out at full pelt before every match imagining herself to be the tennis ball. It has affected her opponents so badly that she became the first woman to win two matches 6-0 6-0 consecutively. Even Venus Williams was battered into submission. Maria strives to continue with it at all future matches beyond the Australian Open.

5. Ravindra Jadeja

Ravindra Jadeja apparently had this as a theme song whenever he went in to bowl. Until he watched Pulp Fiction. And in his best Samuel L Jackson imitation went, "Hit me baby, one more time" and proceeded to unload on the hapless Jade Dernbach. The hairstyle is definitely getting there Jadeja. Now to work on those sideburns and beard.

Breaking Out

So I have a bone to pick. And it is with the fourth estate. There used to be a time when I would sit with an open newspaper in front of me, the first thing in the morning. Spend about half an hour to 45 minutes reading about what was going on in the world and then happily go about my business. Key point. Happily.

Not anymore though. The headline in the picture above is a rare attempt at bringing humor to a serious subject. When was the last time anyone read a news article and finished it with a smile on their faces? Quite frankly the only purpose news serves these days is to remind me to be thankful that I am not suffering the same as the people mentioned in there. Every time I open a website, my biggest fear is seeing a banner headline on the top with the letters in twice the font as the rest of the page. That just spells disaster. Even when there is none of that, the rest of the stuff is just downright despairing.

Just a short sample of the news I have been reading through the last few days: School shootings, rapes, fiscal cliff, debt ceiling, some more shootings, bombings, missile attacks, soldiers getting killed, corruption scandals, hate speeches. Give it a rest! Am I to believe that there is no positive news in the world and in the last couple of weeks there have been no positive deeds? In despair, I turn to the sports section. Where being a fan of Arsenal and the Indian cricket team does you absolutely no favors. Even the usually reliably positive Sachin Tendulkar articles started catching on tinges of sourness, until he decided to announce his retirement. Cue the emotional tear-jerking overdrive. But hey, I am not complaining. At least there is still some positivity to it!

Faith in the government is probably lower than at any other point in history. You would be hard pressed to find someone in India who would think that the current Prime Minister is doing a good job. And half the population in the US believes the wrong man was elected as the President. Even the remaining half is not fully convinced that the right man was elected. It was just that the alternative was worse. And opinions seem to sink lower everyday. And why won’t it? Where is there any positive news about the government on our news channels? They surely cannot be doing everything wrong! If they did, we wouldn’t have a world to live in. So they must be doing something right. But what is that something? Your guess is as good as mine.

Now I am not claiming that negative news items should be brushed under the carpet. Of course we deserve to know what is going wrong in the world. But even these news items can be reported in a positive light. Shootings are disturbing. But more focus on the victims and the families affected would probably be more positive than focusing almost exclusively on the shooter’s movements to almost last minute precision. I do not need to know how many computer games Adam Lanza played a day before the shootings or how many times he reloaded and discarded his cartridges. Though I would definitely like to know more about the children whose lives he cut short. It is a choice between feeling grief when reading about the victims or feeling anger when reading about the shooter. Neither of them is particularly positive but then anger never really helped anybody.

In the brutal rape in India, I find it surprising that no Indian news agency seems to have reported the victim’s name. The foreign media, on the other hand is freely reporting her name after the family gave interviews and permission to do so. It simply baffles me. More so because the names of her assailants are quite freely released. We do not live in China or North Korea where every bit of information is spoon-fed to us. Then why this selective journalism? And what kind of message are we sending out by glorifying the evil and neglecting the victims. We just encourage more copycat incidents. You want to get your name in the papers? Sure! Go ahead and do something notorious. More negative news to report. More newspapers sold.

Sigh! We need Raju Srivastava for Prime Minister, I tell you. Only hope for such headlines.

New beginnings

I was having a look at my earlier posts here today. The last time I wrote here, Pratibha Patil was still the Indian President. Ajmal Kasab was still alive. Shah Rukh Khan’s KKR were still the crappiest team in the IPL. Rahul Dravid was still playing regularly. I was still studying. Dinosaurs still roamed this planet. Oh wait, hang on. Got carried away there for a moment. Though it has been, to put it in a word, AGES!

Every year, I make resolutions for the new year. I solemnly swear to follow each and every one of them until my last breath. And then they are broken faster than you can say January! One I made this year is to get this blog running again. Clear out the cobwebs, dust it down and hope that it doesn’t lie discarded like some grand old haveli.

But blogs don’t write themselves. After all, I am not in the possession of Barack Obama’s autopen. Over the past year, I have used several excuses for not maintaining the blog. Being a lazy ass is what people called it. Having been sensitized to the American culture over the past couple of years, of having a politically correct name for everything, I called it writer’s block. And anyway the Mayans had done us a massive favor. I mean what was the point in doing anything if the world was about to end on December 21 right? In terms of a letdown, it was probably right up there with Bejan Daruwalla’s “India will win the World Cup in 2007 with Munaf Patel being Player of the Tournament”. Heck this time even Sachin Tendulkar was disappointed to the point of retirement.

And so 2013 rolled in. On a somber note for India. For once, protests moved out of Facebook and spilled out onto the streets, as we finally woke up to the fact that even though we might have been among the first countries in the world to have a woman head of state, we are still pretty much near the bottom of the barrel when it comes to dishing out respect to women in our capital. As disgusted as I am by the incident, I am proud of the response it has generated in the nation. It doesn't happen in every country. A similar incident would have almost gone unreported in the US, but for the efforts of the hacker group Anonymous. Sometimes we have to bring the problems of our society out in the public domain, for them to be recognized and rectified. And for that reason, I am proud. We probably need a change in mentality more than stricter laws, but at least we recognize the need for it.

2013 also came in on a somber note in the US. As the hours clicked by to December 31, US lawmakers quibbled among themselves as they pushed the country closer to the so called fiscal cliff and the world closer to another economic depression. Almost like giving a child a crystal ball to play with and asking him not to drop it. But then, probably we engineers aren't the only procrastinators in the world. With a year to work something out, a deal was finally reached at 2 am, a couple of hours past the deadline. That is probably when the magnitude of the influx of Indian engineers here really starts to hit you. We really are taking over the world aren't we?

Well this is only the beginning of the year and so many more positive things to look forward to in the coming months as I look to keep this going. It promises to be an exciting 2013! Now if only I can get my hands on that darned autopen..

How does 9/11 affect me?

It doesn't. Because if it does, then it means that I let those cowards who killed all those innocents win. And I'll be damned if I let a terrorist get one up on me.

Still the Number 1!

It was a hiding so terrible, that I was prepared to go into hibernation until we played Bangladesh again. But our savior, the BCCI has decided that enough is enough. Taking inspiration from Anna Hazare's fight for independence, the BCCI has decided that we will never be owned by the English as were this time. The No.1 ranking is ours for life. Cue some financial muscle flexing. Followed by an official statement from the ICC.


The ICC has decided to herewith chalk off the results of the recent England - India test series. A 4-0 thrashing will never exist in our record books. India has also been summarily re-instated to the top of the rankings in test cricket. Reasons are:

1) Unsuitable playing conditions
This has nothing to do with the pitch. In fact it deals with the conditions behind the bowler's arm. In keeping with our aim of promoting test cricket, a screaming, chaotic crowd of 5000 people behind the bowler is acceptable. A bunch of geriatrics sitting in crisp tie, blazer and hat does not showcase test cricket as an exciting sport. It also confused the Indian batsmen into thinking that they were attending a lazy Sunday morning brunch, rather than a battle for the No.1 spot. This is also attributed as the sole reason for Suresh Raina languidly played 42 deliveries without scoring and getting out twice. Or the hungrier Virender Sehwag getting out twice in 2 balls, so that he could hit the buffet table out of the park. They simple did not realize that this wasn't a gentle knockabout until food was served.

2) The Englishmen are NOT English
Take away Andrew Strauss, Kevin Pietersen, Jonathan Trott, Matt Prior, Alastair Cook, Eoin Morgan and Ravi Bopara. A bunch of South Africans, a couple of Irishmen and an Indian. That's more than half the team down. A cricket team representing England must have wholly English players naturally.

3) Distraction to the point of skullduggery
The England team sheet gave no indication to the sort of players it was sending out. The official complaint from MS Dhoni has been upheld entirely and is reproduced here verbatim.
"We expected a portly 42 year old 'cook' to open the batting. When we saw who came out, we even offered to loan them Yuvraj Singh, who fits the description much better. But they refused. At the fall of the first wicket, there was supposed to be a 'bell', so that we could take a break and shoot some advertisements about making things large. Even then somebody came in to bat. It didn't stop there. When we somehow managed to get over our shock after a couple of hours and get someone else out, we were expecting a frail 90 year old 'trotting' in to bat. What we got instead, was a man who could bat for 90 hours non-stop. It wasn't just restricted to the batting as well. A buxom blonde 'broad' was supposed to open the bowling. And quite frankly, there should have been a graceful 'swann' in the line-up. Not a twitter obsessed nutter, who can turn the ball a mile. And their coach! When I promised Sakshi, I would get her a 'flower' in the evening, I most certainly did not mean to get her a scary looking Zimbabwean!"

Keeping all these reasons in mind, we have decided to re-instate India back to the number 1 spot.


Ravi Shastri has even modified his favorite dialogue on this momentous occasion. "It isn't over even when it's over", he bellowed.

We, The Politicians

It doesn’t take long for the blame game to start. It doesn’t even require a push these days. Just a gentle nudge from some TRP hungry television cameras can have us foaming at the mouth while criticizing the government. The government, as its wont in the current blasts case, will happily pass the buck onto security. The security conveniently blames the intelligence received. The intelligence then privately blames the government interference. So overall, where does the buck stop?
Maybe it is time it stopped with us? After all, we are the ones who elected the government to represent us. Yet we have a team Anna Hazare which claims to represent ‘civil society’. Who then do our elected MPs and MLAs represent? It has barely been 2 years since we elected our MPs to the Lok Sabha. Yet we now need someone else representing our true interests. Everything which our government does is looked at with a cynical if not downright mistrustful eye. With good reason perhaps. But how does that make for a healthy society?
Try raising taxes to negotiate a growing economy in an uncertain economic climate. Blasphemy. Citizens go on fast and demand black money to be brought back. Try raising petrol prices to reflect the growing oil prices. Unthinkable. The opposition will stage a walk out in protest. Try hanging someone who was responsible for attacking the very symbol of the world’s largest democracy. And we’ll have human rights activists shouting themselves hoarse. Sadder perhaps is the fact, that in all the furore over Kasab, we have completely forgotten that Afzal Guru has still not been dealt with. In fact if I am totally honest, in a few years’ time it will take me take a few seconds to even remember who Afzal Guru is.
We take pride in the fact that we are a resilient nation. 7/11, 26/11, 12/13 and now 7/13. These are just the major ones. As always, we will pick ourselves up, dust ourselves down and move on. In the future, these will just be numbers to us. They say the public has a short memory. And why not? We have a living to make. So after all the public posturing after every attack, we will go back to cutting corners on security, turn a blind eye to someone happily accepting a bribe and maybe even pay one ourselves to curry favour or to get out of potentially sticky situations. We can call it resilience. Or we can be really honest with ourselves and call it apathy. We don’t care as long as our lives and our comfort are not disrupted.
How different then, are we from the politicians we so love to despise? We may not be happy with our candidate. But will that make us vote for a highly respected but an independent political greenhorn like Meera Sanyal when she stands in the elections? Not a chance. We will stick to our party favorite seasoned old politician. Or if I continue with the Meera Sanyal example, the seasoned old politician’s son, so that family tradition is upheld. Meera Sanyal got barely 1% of the votes in that election. We give our politicians the mandate to do as they please. So then why complain when they do exactly that? We will complain about the MNS or other rabidly regional parties as being nothing more than a bunch of goons. Yet we will go ahead and vote for them and make the MNS the second largest party in Mumbai. Why? Why do we say one thing and do the exactly the opposite?
Maybe because we, the people, have a little bit of that politician we hate in every one of us. And probably that is what has brought our country to the state in which it is today. Maybe it is time to stop blaming the government for everything that is going wrong and just take a good, long, hard look at ourselves.

So what is it?

War. Some said. Biggest match ever, someone else said. Just a stupid colonial hangover cricket game, said others. And 2 days later, after innumerable cups of coffee to bring an extremely hoarse throat back to normal, I myself am not quite sure.
For most of us Indians, Pakistanis remain a group of faceless, nameless individuals. We don’t know them. We have never seen them. We don’t know much about them, except the fact they happen to be very similar to us in many aspects. But we sure as hell hate them. It is easier to hate them as long as they remain that bunch of people, who we have never met. We scream and jeer at the sight of every Pakistani on a TV screen. A different religion has got nothing to do with it. We just hate them because they are ‘them’. Yes maybe every single one of us hates someone we know, but our hate for Pakistan is special. Go to youtube and check out the comments section of any Indian cricket video. Every generation of every family of both nations has been cursed into oblivion. Maybe to continue the great rivalry there as well.
At least for me, this blindness is what this cricket match changed. I watched the match here with a bunch of around 40 Pakistanis. And suddenly ‘those Pakistanis’ were not faceless and nameless anymore. I saw them; I talked to them and even shook hands with them. The Indians outnumbered the Pakistanis by almost 5:1. Yet the rendition of the Pakistani national anthem captured me. It was the first time I had ever heard it sung with such gusto and in such close proximity. I was moved to the extent of checking it out on youtube and to my pleasant surprise, I was not the only one who had been moved. For once, the comments section featured comments from Indians saying they checked out the video as they really liked the anthem after hearing it during the match. The loudest collective cheer in the room went up when a banner showed up on the big screen, linking the flags of India and Pakistan together with the word friends. And when the match ended, instead of jeering, the entire Indian contingent went up to the Pakistanis and congratulated them on a great match. No blind hatred. No abusing. Just a healthy (and newly found) camaraderie. So definitely more than a cricket match.
But then again, does it change the fact we still fight over the Kashmir issue? Does it change the fact that both sides have innocent people of the other nation locked up in jails on the pretext of being spies? Does it change the fact that 26/11 happened and Pakistan admitted responsibility for it? The so-called peace talks continue to flounder with the regularity of an Obama vacation. Both set of politicians will resort to petty point scoring to curry favor with the UN and the US. So what tangible change did the cricket match bring about? Nothing other than a big photo-op. And mind you, I have not even considered the result of the match. So just a cricket match it was then.
Or was it? I leave you to wonder with this. Kyun itni nafrat (why so much hate) as Afridi says? I don’t know. I don’t even know what the fuss was all about. What was it?
P.S. The final is still to come for India. It is only to deal with the high anticipation and some extremely nervous energy levels which made me look back at the last match. Bleed Blue!

Chaos Theory

Chaos. It is everywhere. And don't we absolutely love it. We after all elected a group of 15 parties to form a government. It was hardly going to be smooth sailing now was it? Every morning with a maniacal gleam, we scan the newspapers for new scams. In fact I am pretty sure the next Wikileaks expose will reveal that an early morning coffee with a new scam is fast becoming the laxative of choice in India.
And what scams we have. We invented the zero. And now our politicians take great pride in upholding this rich heritage. So while Laloo Yadav goes for a 10000 crore scam, Madhu Koda goes for 100000 crores. Suresh Kalmadi adds another 0. While A. Raja puts another 0 in his pocket. And mind you, our politicians are a generous lot. Kapil Sibal throws a few 0s in Arun Shourie's direction. Sushma Swaraj happily chucks a few 0s back. So much so that our entire Parliament is filled with a bunch of zeroes. Pun absolutely unintended.
So apparently a few MPs were bribed to keep the Manmohan Singh government in power in 2008. All the hullabaloo and righteous anger and shock aside, the news was probably as surprising as finding out that Charlie Sheen had a few screws loose in that head of his. Sadly, the warlock Sheen has been sacked from Two and a Half Men. All because of the biggest clash of egos in this world since Lalit Modi once looked at himself in the mirror.
However, another expose from our beloved whistle blower, Wikileaks (I have a strong feeling those guys have some blood relation with our traffic policemen), claim that all of Sheen's antics with 'tiger blood' and 'winning' were in fact tactics to land himself a new job. As chief motivator for the Bangladesh Cricket Team. With the goddesses acting as cheerleaders. Perfect strategy that! Please take note Mr. Modi.
Unfortunately with Bangladesh out of the World Cup, poor Charlie is out of a job again. The mind numbingly long group stages of the World Cup are also over. In fact the mind numbing has gone to such an extent, that Aussie coach Tim Nielsen is now challenging Ravi Shastri for spouting the most inanities. So competing with 'cricket is cricket' and 'a six is a six is a six', comes 'Our match against India is a mini final'. Oh right Mr. Nielsen. We never knew what a 'quarter final' meant in the first place! Actually it is no surprise that the World Cup has been so dull until now. Pakistan have been exceptionally well behaved (more like calm before the storm is my guess) with the exception of the one man chaos army of Kamran Akmal. And when the most exciting games involve England (of all countries), you know just how soporific things can get. Granted that the England players are and play like a bunch of choking South Africans, but in the end they are all those stiff upright guys anyway. We need some chaos here!
One trusted source of mine within the ICC reports that they are actually considering the idea of making the remaining teams watch videos of Arsenal defending to give them an idea of the sort of chaos desired. One ball to defend and the team forgets how to defend, what defending is and probably even what sport involves defending. Cue utter chaos. More of that in the World Cup should make it fun to watch.
But there is one person who is happy in all this chaos. Heath Ledger's Joker is probably looking down from somewhere and cackling away at the sight of it all! Theory in practice.

10 Headlines To Look Forward To In 2011

1. Yeddyurappa declares himself CM for life



Then gets sacked by the Governor a day later. Then gets re-instated by the High Court a day later. Then gets caught in a ">insert name<" scam and gets sacked by the BJP high command. Indian politics. What a joyride!!

2. Julian Assange jumps bail and escapes from house arrest



Leave aside the fact that his demeanor is that of a modern day blonde Godfather. This is one plot which is being shamelessly plagiarized from any B-grade Hindi movie. You know it. Good guy exposes bad guy. Good guy is suddenly accused of rape and arrested. Good guy is tortured in jail. Good guy escapes from jail and beats up the bad guy for revenge. Who says life doesn't imitate art? You know what is coming next!

3. Dancing lessons for the Prez



He gave the term 2 left feet an entirely new meaning. Somebody get him in touch with Farah Khan. If it has the added advantage of her not making any more of those hare-brained flicks like Tees Maar Khan, better.

4. 800 million watch William and Kate wedding



Actual number: 100; Members of the Royal Family: 30; Hangers-on of the Royal Family: 70.

5. Suresh Kalmadi takes inspiration from Diego Maradona


I did NOT steal any money. In fact I did not even TOUCH the Commonwealth Games money. It was the 'Hand of God' which filled my pockets. Oh and by the way, we are bidding for the 2026 FIFA World Cup to be held here. If Qatar can air condition their stadiums, we can air condition our entire country.

6. Jimmy Wales ushers the world into a new era.



Gone are the days when begging was restricted to a rupee or 2. Taking inspiration from Jimmy Wales, begging bowls around the world are getting bigger and bigger and have been asking for nothing short of a few million dollars.

7. Ricky Ponting suggests bare-knuckle boxing to decide next Ashes



"Well I guess we can never win the Ashes playing cricket with me as captain. So let us decide things like they did in the good old days eh mate? Best of 3. Watto v/s Broad. Katto v/s Cook. Me v/s Bell. Who is game? (spits into hands and looks around with an evil grin)

8. ICC Cricket World Cup final Match Report



India beat Pakistan by 300 runs. Sachin Tendulkar scores another 200. Shoaib Akthar (or whoever constitutes the Pakistani bowling attack at that time. Very difficult to predict that) smashed for 36 in an over by Yuvraj Singh. Yousuf, Younis and the Shoaibs (M/s Akhtar and Malik) banned for life again. Javed Miandad in line for a comeback.

9. Katrina, Kareena and Vidya to act in a new movie.







It CAN happen. Of course it can! Why can't I hope??

10. Arsenal win a trophy (at long last!)



Please Arsene? Please??? Can we?


Wish you all a very happy, nice, warm and cosy new year!

New Additions To The Oxford Dictionary

Ever since I have been here, I have been hearing, how the words that we studied for the GRE exam are hardly ever used in our day to day life. And a lot of good natured grumbling later, the Oxford Dictionary was approached to add these following day to day word/phrase usages.

1.

Manmohaned - Feeling out of place.

Example- The party was not my type at all. I was so Manmohaned.

2.

Doing a butt (pun unintended) - talking absolute nonsense.

Example - He had no clue what he was talking about. He was just doing a butt.

3.

Being a Paris - Good for nothing

Example - You absolute Paris! Get your backside off the couch!

4.

Padukone - Long but beautiful

Example - The play was such a Padukone! But I wish it had gone on longer.

5.

Lohaned - Busted

Example- To be used in a cops and robbers game. "You have been Lohaned".

6.

Amired/ Asifed - See Lohaned above

Note - Shoaibed can also be used, but I believe that is already a recognised word.

7.

Kalmadi - Cheat/ Thief (A very highly used words these days)

Example - That is my pen, you Kalmadi! Give it back right now!

8.

Saniaing - Showing great potential, but without result

Example - There you go. The Arsenal team is Saniaing again.

9.

Sainaing - Opposite of above

10.

Gangulying - Showing extreme levels of passion

Example - MS Dhoni to Harbhajan Singh - That's enough Gangulying for now. Bowl properly!

I shall see if these are accepted before proceeding with more recommendations.

Its All The Same

Yep. Only the place has changed. So after Turkey and good ol' India, I welcomed myself to the land of equal opportunity. USA. It takes a while getting used to this place. Which of course is a euphemism for 'it takes a while to keep the goggle-eyed expression away at every new development. By the way, I should mention these new developments can be potentially painful experiences. Case in point.

Me : Let us try cooking something.
Priyank Kumar (my gem of a flatmate) : I don't know if the gas is working.
Me (turning the knob all the way to high) : Hmm, I don't smell any gas. Maybe it doesn't. Let us try lighting it anyway.

After a few futile attempts with a gas lighter and a couple of matchsticks..

Me : I am not a mechanical engineer for nothing. I can fix this thing.

Next moment..

Me : AAAAAAARRRGGGGHHH!!! F*************K!! Bloody Hell!!! @#$%$&#$!!
PK : What happened?
Me : The thing is a bloody hot plate!! There wont be any flame. I burnt my fingers. Get the Burnol out!

Well then, moral of the story probably being that India is still a developing country.
So once the settling down part was out of the way, I shifted my attention to the news. And with a warm glowing sense of comfort, I realized the obvious - nothing has indeed changed. The opposition still wants Manmohan Singh to apologize for a new reason (who wants to take bets that one day the genial Sardar will have to apologize for being the PM?), Mamata Bannerjee is still hobnobbing with the Maoists, China and India and are still sparring over the location of Kashmir. ANd of course, lest I forget, India is still playing Sri Lanka in cricket, Which, now I believe is going to be the scene throughout the year, come hail or snow. Oh yes, we love the Lankans! The BCCI is still calling Lalit Modi a liar, a cheat, a manipulator, a charlatan amongst several other unmentionables. Modi himself is giving himself sore fingers by furiously defending himself on Twitter (of all places). I might add though, that it has given Mr. Modi a serious new talent. I did invite him to use my blog (once again) to air his views. His response? "10Q 4 d ofr. Wl luk n2 it." Sigh! The limitation Twitter places on people.
Just in case you thought, that only India isn't changing, nothing has changed in the US as well. Obama is still being called a Muslim for supporting the Ground Zero mosque. The man himself, is still on vacation in some new part of the country declaring it safe for tourism. Given your security detail Mr. President, I am pretty sure, even Afghanistan will be safe for tourism. Oh and Paris Hilton is still in trouble for cocaine possession (snigger!). So for all those who think, change is the only constant. Take that!
One thing has changed though. For the better. Arsenal has started winning again! And this is the big one, 95% of the players are actually fully fit. Not 100% though. Am pretty sure there is a law which forbids this. A soon as the number hits 97% one player has to break his leg or go get an operation just for the heck of it.
So will all this remain the same till the next time I post? Hopefully!

The Great Indian Parliamentary Debate

So, the insipid Indian bowling performance in the last couple of matches has been raising more than a couple of eyebrows. So much so that our esteemed Parliament decided to debate on the issue, just so that some advice could be doled out to the hapless MS Dhoni. Besides India TV’s rather forceful assumption that his mind has been occupied by SMS (that is Sakshi MS Dhoni for the India TV illiterate).
Right then, in the Lok Sabha now, where all the MPS are seated (surprise!) and the Hon. Speaker Meira Kumar is holding sway (double surprise!!)

Meira Kumar : We are here today to discuss the Indian bowling performance in the ongoing matches in Sri Lanka. We can start with opening comments from the Prime Minister.

(Silence)

Meira Kumar : Dr. Singh??

Manmohan Singh (Congress) : Oh![Looks up sheepishly hurriedly, trying to stow a well read copy of the Great Crash 1929 out of sight] Oh yes! Indian team. Yes. Very nice. I heard they just won the T20 World Cup. Congratulations!. Rest of the questions to Soniaji please. [Settles back with his book again]

Meira Kumar : Soniaji, if you would please?

Sonia Gandhi (Congress) : This is a very poor performance. They need to pull up their socks. They have to listen to their inner voice. They have to follow what it says.

Sharad Pawar (NCP) : (snidely under his breath) Yeah of course. Like SHE knows about cricket.

Meira Kumar : You said something Mr. Pawar?

Sharad Pawar (NCP) : What I said was, of course Soniaji is right. She is our supreme leader. She cannot be wrong. Soniaji can show the right path to our team. In fact I am thinking if the BCCI would accept a proposal to make Soniaji the new coach of our team. If not, even Rahulji can be made as coach.

Arun Jaitley (BJP) : This as you can see, is the dynastic nature of Congress politics. Always trying to include Sonia Gandhi and Rahul Gandhi in everything.

Pranab Mukherjee (Congress) : [in a small voice] maybe we can consider bringing back Sourav Ganguly?

Laloo Prasad Yadav (RJD) : In that case, I call for more representation for Bihar. There is not 1 cricketer from Bihar in the team. My wife Rabri will decide which player will represent Bihar.

Subhash Bapurao Wandhede (Shiv Sena) : So now you want to get into the cricket team as well. WE, no I am sorry, THE PEOPLE SHALL NOT LET THIS HAPPEN!! THE PEOPLE WILL GO ON STRIKE AND THE PEOPLE CAN ALSO RESORT TO VIOLENCE. Not the Shiv Sena though, we will have nothing to do with all that.

Prakash Karat (CPI-M) : The basic thing we are discussing here is the Indian bowling. It is obvious that it is poor because of injuries. And the reason for the injuries are also very clear. It is a clear case of Western imperialism. These players keep going abroad for treatment. They should stay in India and get treated. Then they will not face so many injuries.

S M Krishna (Congress) : Or Pakistan. That will definitely be a good confidence building measure. Maybe I should consult with GK Pillai and inform Shah Mehmood Qureshi. (scoots off)

Anand Rao Adsul (Shiv Sena) : Madam Speaker, we are going nowhere with this discussion. With your permission, I would like to suggest a new team which would Mr. Pawar could consider.

Meira Kumar : Please go ahead.

Anand Rao Adsul ( Shiv Sena) : Pawar Saheb, this should be the Indian cricket team : Wasim Jaffer, Sahil Kukreja, Ajinkya Rahane, Sachin Tendulkar, Abhishek Nayar, Vinayak Samant, Ajit Agarkar, Zaheer Khan, Ramesh Powar, Dhawal Kulkarni and Avishkar Salvi.

Sanjay Nirupam (Congress) : This is not your cricket team. This is the INDIAN cricket team. There has to be representation from all over India. This is not a communal team.

Anand Rao Adsul ( Shiv Sena) : This is not communal. The greatest player in India is Marathi. So naturally every player has to be Marathi if you want greatness. But then, how can I expect YOU to understand that?

Kapil Sibal (Congress) : Gentlemen please. Let us be civil here. I suggest we all pay attention to Mr. Karat’s comment. And to study these injuries which he was referring to, I will open more IITs and then more IIMs to implement the solutions which we can get from these studies.

Dara Singh Chauhan (BSP) : Well in that case, I demand higher reservation for Dalits!

M K Azhagiri (DMK) : Higher reservations for SC and ST too. Our Kalaignar Karunanidhi has a dream that all Indians should be on an equal standing.

Raghuvir Singh Meena (Congress) : I demand that the Gujjars be included in the list for STs!!

Anand Rao Adsul ( Shiv Sena) : [coming to the well with the other Shiv Sena MPs] MARATHIS FOR THE INDIAN TEAM!! JAI TENDULKAR!! JAI MAHARASHTRA!

Laloo Prasad Yadav (RJD) : [coming to the well with RJD MPs] MORE BIHARIS IN THE INDIAN TEAM!!!

Meira Kumar : That is it!! This House is adjourned.

Meanwhile in far away Sri Lanka.

MS Dhoni : Bhaj. How about bowling wicket to wicket, rather than 10 feet outside off?

Harbhajan Singh : Ok.

MS Dhoni : Right then boys. Let us go do some more leather hunting.