Its All The Same

Yep. Only the place has changed. So after Turkey and good ol' India, I welcomed myself to the land of equal opportunity. USA. It takes a while getting used to this place. Which of course is a euphemism for 'it takes a while to keep the goggle-eyed expression away at every new development. By the way, I should mention these new developments can be potentially painful experiences. Case in point.

Me : Let us try cooking something.
Priyank Kumar (my gem of a flatmate) : I don't know if the gas is working.
Me (turning the knob all the way to high) : Hmm, I don't smell any gas. Maybe it doesn't. Let us try lighting it anyway.

After a few futile attempts with a gas lighter and a couple of matchsticks..

Me : I am not a mechanical engineer for nothing. I can fix this thing.

Next moment..

Me : AAAAAAARRRGGGGHHH!!! F*************K!! Bloody Hell!!! @#$%$&#$!!
PK : What happened?
Me : The thing is a bloody hot plate!! There wont be any flame. I burnt my fingers. Get the Burnol out!

Well then, moral of the story probably being that India is still a developing country.
So once the settling down part was out of the way, I shifted my attention to the news. And with a warm glowing sense of comfort, I realized the obvious - nothing has indeed changed. The opposition still wants Manmohan Singh to apologize for a new reason (who wants to take bets that one day the genial Sardar will have to apologize for being the PM?), Mamata Bannerjee is still hobnobbing with the Maoists, China and India and are still sparring over the location of Kashmir. ANd of course, lest I forget, India is still playing Sri Lanka in cricket, Which, now I believe is going to be the scene throughout the year, come hail or snow. Oh yes, we love the Lankans! The BCCI is still calling Lalit Modi a liar, a cheat, a manipulator, a charlatan amongst several other unmentionables. Modi himself is giving himself sore fingers by furiously defending himself on Twitter (of all places). I might add though, that it has given Mr. Modi a serious new talent. I did invite him to use my blog (once again) to air his views. His response? "10Q 4 d ofr. Wl luk n2 it." Sigh! The limitation Twitter places on people.
Just in case you thought, that only India isn't changing, nothing has changed in the US as well. Obama is still being called a Muslim for supporting the Ground Zero mosque. The man himself, is still on vacation in some new part of the country declaring it safe for tourism. Given your security detail Mr. President, I am pretty sure, even Afghanistan will be safe for tourism. Oh and Paris Hilton is still in trouble for cocaine possession (snigger!). So for all those who think, change is the only constant. Take that!
One thing has changed though. For the better. Arsenal has started winning again! And this is the big one, 95% of the players are actually fully fit. Not 100% though. Am pretty sure there is a law which forbids this. A soon as the number hits 97% one player has to break his leg or go get an operation just for the heck of it.
So will all this remain the same till the next time I post? Hopefully!

The Great Indian Parliamentary Debate

So, the insipid Indian bowling performance in the last couple of matches has been raising more than a couple of eyebrows. So much so that our esteemed Parliament decided to debate on the issue, just so that some advice could be doled out to the hapless MS Dhoni. Besides India TV’s rather forceful assumption that his mind has been occupied by SMS (that is Sakshi MS Dhoni for the India TV illiterate).
Right then, in the Lok Sabha now, where all the MPS are seated (surprise!) and the Hon. Speaker Meira Kumar is holding sway (double surprise!!)

Meira Kumar : We are here today to discuss the Indian bowling performance in the ongoing matches in Sri Lanka. We can start with opening comments from the Prime Minister.

(Silence)

Meira Kumar : Dr. Singh??

Manmohan Singh (Congress) : Oh![Looks up sheepishly hurriedly, trying to stow a well read copy of the Great Crash 1929 out of sight] Oh yes! Indian team. Yes. Very nice. I heard they just won the T20 World Cup. Congratulations!. Rest of the questions to Soniaji please. [Settles back with his book again]

Meira Kumar : Soniaji, if you would please?

Sonia Gandhi (Congress) : This is a very poor performance. They need to pull up their socks. They have to listen to their inner voice. They have to follow what it says.

Sharad Pawar (NCP) : (snidely under his breath) Yeah of course. Like SHE knows about cricket.

Meira Kumar : You said something Mr. Pawar?

Sharad Pawar (NCP) : What I said was, of course Soniaji is right. She is our supreme leader. She cannot be wrong. Soniaji can show the right path to our team. In fact I am thinking if the BCCI would accept a proposal to make Soniaji the new coach of our team. If not, even Rahulji can be made as coach.

Arun Jaitley (BJP) : This as you can see, is the dynastic nature of Congress politics. Always trying to include Sonia Gandhi and Rahul Gandhi in everything.

Pranab Mukherjee (Congress) : [in a small voice] maybe we can consider bringing back Sourav Ganguly?

Laloo Prasad Yadav (RJD) : In that case, I call for more representation for Bihar. There is not 1 cricketer from Bihar in the team. My wife Rabri will decide which player will represent Bihar.

Subhash Bapurao Wandhede (Shiv Sena) : So now you want to get into the cricket team as well. WE, no I am sorry, THE PEOPLE SHALL NOT LET THIS HAPPEN!! THE PEOPLE WILL GO ON STRIKE AND THE PEOPLE CAN ALSO RESORT TO VIOLENCE. Not the Shiv Sena though, we will have nothing to do with all that.

Prakash Karat (CPI-M) : The basic thing we are discussing here is the Indian bowling. It is obvious that it is poor because of injuries. And the reason for the injuries are also very clear. It is a clear case of Western imperialism. These players keep going abroad for treatment. They should stay in India and get treated. Then they will not face so many injuries.

S M Krishna (Congress) : Or Pakistan. That will definitely be a good confidence building measure. Maybe I should consult with GK Pillai and inform Shah Mehmood Qureshi. (scoots off)

Anand Rao Adsul (Shiv Sena) : Madam Speaker, we are going nowhere with this discussion. With your permission, I would like to suggest a new team which would Mr. Pawar could consider.

Meira Kumar : Please go ahead.

Anand Rao Adsul ( Shiv Sena) : Pawar Saheb, this should be the Indian cricket team : Wasim Jaffer, Sahil Kukreja, Ajinkya Rahane, Sachin Tendulkar, Abhishek Nayar, Vinayak Samant, Ajit Agarkar, Zaheer Khan, Ramesh Powar, Dhawal Kulkarni and Avishkar Salvi.

Sanjay Nirupam (Congress) : This is not your cricket team. This is the INDIAN cricket team. There has to be representation from all over India. This is not a communal team.

Anand Rao Adsul ( Shiv Sena) : This is not communal. The greatest player in India is Marathi. So naturally every player has to be Marathi if you want greatness. But then, how can I expect YOU to understand that?

Kapil Sibal (Congress) : Gentlemen please. Let us be civil here. I suggest we all pay attention to Mr. Karat’s comment. And to study these injuries which he was referring to, I will open more IITs and then more IIMs to implement the solutions which we can get from these studies.

Dara Singh Chauhan (BSP) : Well in that case, I demand higher reservation for Dalits!

M K Azhagiri (DMK) : Higher reservations for SC and ST too. Our Kalaignar Karunanidhi has a dream that all Indians should be on an equal standing.

Raghuvir Singh Meena (Congress) : I demand that the Gujjars be included in the list for STs!!

Anand Rao Adsul ( Shiv Sena) : [coming to the well with the other Shiv Sena MPs] MARATHIS FOR THE INDIAN TEAM!! JAI TENDULKAR!! JAI MAHARASHTRA!

Laloo Prasad Yadav (RJD) : [coming to the well with RJD MPs] MORE BIHARIS IN THE INDIAN TEAM!!!

Meira Kumar : That is it!! This House is adjourned.

Meanwhile in far away Sri Lanka.

MS Dhoni : Bhaj. How about bowling wicket to wicket, rather than 10 feet outside off?

Harbhajan Singh : Ok.

MS Dhoni : Right then boys. Let us go do some more leather hunting.

The All New FIFA World Cup 2010 Awards

Tonight is the night then. The night which will bring the curtains down over a month long football fiesta. However, there have been curious activities underfoot during the tournament. Apparently, FIFA president Sep Blatter is all set to do away with the traditional boring World Cup awards like Golden Boot, Golden Ball etc., replacing them with new Oscar style awards. Here is a sneak preview.

BEST ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE


Abdul Kader Keita for behaving like he was shot in the face after a loving pat to the chest from Kaka.

BEST ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE


Manuel Neuer for his super cool disposition and calm mind despite seeing THAT ball clearly over the line.

BEST ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE


Larissa Riquelme. No competition. Got thousands of people praying for a Paraguay World Cup win with her promise to streak.

BEST ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE


The Dutch women evicted from the stadium for ambush marketing. What were they promoting? Who cares!

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE


















Diego Armando Maradona. Enough said. The World Cup was definitely poorer after he left.

BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM


Wayne Rooney. "Nice to see your own fans booing you. That's what loyal support is, for fuck's sake!" 2 matches later. End of Shrek 4.

BEST COSTUME


Fernando Llorente. "Tight shirt is the secret of my success." Come on now, Fernando. You got that shirt during your under-17 days for sure. You can't fool us!

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM


Korea DPR. Nobody knew them or understood them. But they gave us the most highly entertaining match of the group stage. Courtesy a 0-7 defeat to Portugal. Their punishment? Banished to work in the coal mines. Actually.

BEST WRITING : ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY


Paul the Psychic. Of course he is writing the entire damn script. How else do you think he gets ALL of them right?

For the rest of the awards, do watch the ceremony tonight. It's time for Africa!

Rip Van Winkle Wakes Up

The best part about being in the blog world is that I can make as many comebacks as I want. As and when I want to. Eat your heart out Michael Jordan and Diego Maradona. You will not be able to do that as many times. Even if you turn back the clock.
But my, how the world has changed in the 1 and a half month sabbatical. Corruption scandals in the railways, medicine, telecom, food, education and so on and so forth at the rate of 1 every 2 days makes me wonder, if 1 day there will be a scandal about the air I breathe. Probably Madhu Koda takes more breaths per minute to stash the extra oxygen away with his Rs. 40000000000 booty (and I have got my 0s right). Speaking of which, I wonder if the good man can sponsor my education. Must be a trifling for him anyway.
Meanwhile as the BP oil spill takes on catastrophic proportions, the head honchos have been left scratching their collective pates (bald or otherwise), over the best possible solution to this mess. Look no further than India, people. Take a leaf out of Mr. Warren Anderson's book of magic spells. Uncomplicated and easy to perform. Show a perfect set of 32 pearly whites, turn on the spot mumbling, "I know Rajiv Ga-" - and poof!Problem gone before you can even say " compensation". Which will probably be a good thing, considering Barack Obama can then finally think of work, instead of focusing on people's derrieres looking for perfect spots to kick.
Meanwhile in South Africa, the big kickfest has been on for a couple of weeks now. And it has sadly ended for the last finalists, France and Italy. Not surprising really, seeing as the French sneaked into the tournament in the first place by an exquisite display of basketball skill. Probably mixed up the sports. Still the Jacques Clouseau type bumbling exit was a bit painful to watch. As for the savvy, uber-cool Italians, the plan went horribly wrong without any penalties to fall back on. Ah Don Lippi, missed a trick to get those spot kicks didn't you? The Italian Job, however has been perfected by Emperor Fabius Capellus and his band of merry Englishmen as a couple of fortuitous goals saw them through to the last 16. Despite Rob Green not being able to hold on to his balls. As Clive Tyldesly helpfully pointed out. "You have to cup your hands to hold them son." Ahem! Thank you for the info sir.
However, I am hoping that England does manage to progress far. The World Cup has been pretty staid without the WAGS. It is a bit tiring, when the only eye candy pops up only at half time and full time and goes by the befuddling name of Mayanti Langer. On the plus side, she does know her football. Are you listening Mandira Bedi?
Of course, when it comes to the World Cup, other sports do recede in to the background. But cricket and tennis are fighting manfully to reclaim their place in the sun.
In tennis, Roger Federer nearly bid adieu in the first round of Wimbledon. Nicolas Mahut and John Isner decided to make this Wimbledon about them and upstage Rafael Nadal and Federer by playing an 11 hour long tennis match. And the Queen decided to drop in at Wimbledon to cheer Andy Murray on. Poor lady. She must be really hard up for cash. What have you done David Cameron?
And in cricket, India and Sri Lanka were slugging it out. Again. I believe Tilakaratne Dilshan has scored 4000 of his 4500 runs against India. Pragyan Ojha, similarly does not what it is like to bowl to someone who is not wearing a different shade of blue. Well, but an Asia Cup win after 15 years. That should be something to cheer about you must think. Alas, even Ravi Shastri decided to give his vocal cords a rest.
So then, keep waving flag and keep Waka Waka-ing for the next few days. It will help you keep your eyes open during the late night kick-offs. Personally, those vuvuzelas hardly keep me awake anymore.
So long then, bye!

Is Torture The Answer?

A serious post is not something this blog is about. In fact it was created with the sole purpose to lighten the mood over the several mundane and drab happenings of the world. But there are some times, when we are forced to take a long, hard look at things and we are unable to joke about them.Which brings me to Mohammed Ajmal Amir Kasab. Sentenced to death on 4 counts and to life sentence on 5 others.
I have been following blog posts, notes etc. in reaction to the sentence. And nearly all are unanimous in the belief that he should be handed over to the Indian public. And then go on to suggest gruesome torture methods so that he is paid back in the same coin. I can understand the pain we feel and the hatred we have for the guy. As an Indian, I was deeply shocked and saddened by the events of 26/11 and I do feel that the perpetrators of the cowardly attack do not deserve to live. 'Sentenced to death by hanging for waging war against India' is probably as apt as it can get.
What I fail to understand, however, is the tremendous amount of vitriol and the belief that true justice will only be done if he is tortured and killed. Why? Handing over criminals to the public for justice is the done thing probably in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iran, Somalia etc. The very countries, we take pride in being different from. So, do we forget our culture? Do we forget the moral values and ideals which makes this country tick? Do we forget that we live in a civil society where we have a judicial system in place? Do we forget that we are not considered a hardline country mainly because we do not believe in the concept of 'street justice'? All for the sake of one man. Is he really that important, that we need to lose our standing in the world for him? How different are we from the terrorists then?
And let us also not forget, Kasab did not come to India, expecting to be caught alive. He came to India, expecting to be 'shot and killed'. That was supposed to take him to Allah. If our hatred for him is primarily why we want him dead, the least we can do is to make sure that he does not die in the way he expected to. You could probably say that I do not feel the victim's pain when I advocate killing Kasab in a humane manner. But seriously, in their moment of grief, does Tukaram Ombale's family really care about how Kasab dies, as long as he dies?
Some again might say, this is precisely we are perceived to be a soft state. No. What makes us a soft state is placing Kasab at number 52 on the death row and then waiting indefinitely till we reach that number. Place him at 1 and be done with him. That will show that we are serious about tackling terrorists and will not tolerate any person holding our country to ransom.
We already have plenty of Kasabs to deal with as it is. There is no earthly need to go about creating more, just out of sympathy for the public execution of this worthless individual. Do we really need to create more hatred in a world, which is already racked by so much of it?

A Stiff Upper Lip Please

Well considering that this post deals with (almost) entirely British subjects, it would be a good idea if you all read it while trying to keep your upper lip stiff.
I have been following the British elections very closely. And it is quite like watching a P G Wodehouse novel being enacted. Stiff upright Brits making gaffes all over the place may not make for a nice picture if you are British, but for the neutral observer, it does lead to quite a bit of hilarity. In fact Gordon Brown seems to be just another re-incarnation of George Bush (similar initials apart). So Mr. Brown was caught slandering a member of his electorate in private. Which probably would not have been such a huge thing, save for the fact that he still had a TV microphone attached to his tie. So the entire country heard as Mr. Brown referred to 'that bigoted woman'. Ah the perils of modern technology! Maybe Mr. Brown can take a lesson or two from Barack Obama and his Blackberry. In fact it is great to have a President who uses technology as comfortably as he gives speeches on a nuclear free world. Which reminds me, it is great to have a President who can actually pronounce 'nuclear' correctly. I simply cannot erase the image of George Bush going 'eh nuclar, erm nucular, ahem nuke-ular hehe'. Anyway that is quite a bit of digression. Coming back to the Brit elections on May 6, a new leader shall enter No. 10 Downing Street. And I can bet you my last bit of money that nobody is going to do a Sonia Gandhi and listen to their 'inner voice'.
Staying on in Britain and moving on to Arsenal. Actually let us move on from them as well. 1 draw and 4 defeats in the last 5 games. I should start supporting Mohun Bagan or East Bengal. At least they will give me something to cheer about on a regular basis.
In the British national sport then (which has quite certainly been hijacked by the Indians), the world cup is finally underway. More importantly the IPL is over. Which is quite a shame really. I was actually getting the hang of Zoozooing (verb: rapidly uttering incomprehensible mumbo jumbo, punctuated by high pitched squeals). And I had also almost overcome my urge to stick a pin into the hot air balloon which was pioneered by a company supposedly at the forefront of technological innovation in India. But the MRF Blimp is now gone. And it has taken the Zoozoos with it. What a pity. In the World Cup, as such, there is nothing much to write about as yet.The Pakistani team is still exceptionally well behaved. Will they still be as well behaved near the end of the tournament? I think a lesser surprise would be if Tiger Woods declared he was gay (yes the same Tiger Woods of 120 affairs in 5 years fame). So anyway, looking forward to some fireworks from the Pakistani team.
And this is almost certainly my last post from Turkish shores. I shall miss my Lahmacun, my Doner and my Tahinli Pide. Make no sense? Same here. All I know is that they are pretty delicious. Time for my palate worship then. Goodbye!

Sachin Tendulkar

When Sachin Tendulkar travelled to Pakistan to face one of the finest bowling attacks ever assembled in cricket, Michael Schumacher was yet to race a F1 car, Lance Armstrong had never been to the Tour de France, Diego Maradona was still the captain of a world champion Argentina team, Pete Sampras had never won a Grand Slam.
When Tendulkar embarked on a glorious career taming Imran and company, Roger Federer was a name unheard of; Lionel Messi was in his nappies, Usain Bolt was an unknown kid in the Jamaican backwaters. The Berlin Wall was still intact, USSR was one big, big country, Dr Manmohan Singh was yet to "open" the Nehruvian economy.
It seems while Time was having his toll on every individual on the face of this planet, he excused one man. Time stands frozen in front of Sachin Tendulkar. We have had champions, we have had legends, but we have never had a Sachin Tendulkar and we never will.
- Time Magazine


Happy Birthday Sachin Tendulkar