10 Headlines To Look Forward To In 2011

1. Yeddyurappa declares himself CM for life



Then gets sacked by the Governor a day later. Then gets re-instated by the High Court a day later. Then gets caught in a ">insert name<" scam and gets sacked by the BJP high command. Indian politics. What a joyride!!

2. Julian Assange jumps bail and escapes from house arrest



Leave aside the fact that his demeanor is that of a modern day blonde Godfather. This is one plot which is being shamelessly plagiarized from any B-grade Hindi movie. You know it. Good guy exposes bad guy. Good guy is suddenly accused of rape and arrested. Good guy is tortured in jail. Good guy escapes from jail and beats up the bad guy for revenge. Who says life doesn't imitate art? You know what is coming next!

3. Dancing lessons for the Prez



He gave the term 2 left feet an entirely new meaning. Somebody get him in touch with Farah Khan. If it has the added advantage of her not making any more of those hare-brained flicks like Tees Maar Khan, better.

4. 800 million watch William and Kate wedding



Actual number: 100; Members of the Royal Family: 30; Hangers-on of the Royal Family: 70.

5. Suresh Kalmadi takes inspiration from Diego Maradona


I did NOT steal any money. In fact I did not even TOUCH the Commonwealth Games money. It was the 'Hand of God' which filled my pockets. Oh and by the way, we are bidding for the 2026 FIFA World Cup to be held here. If Qatar can air condition their stadiums, we can air condition our entire country.

6. Jimmy Wales ushers the world into a new era.



Gone are the days when begging was restricted to a rupee or 2. Taking inspiration from Jimmy Wales, begging bowls around the world are getting bigger and bigger and have been asking for nothing short of a few million dollars.

7. Ricky Ponting suggests bare-knuckle boxing to decide next Ashes



"Well I guess we can never win the Ashes playing cricket with me as captain. So let us decide things like they did in the good old days eh mate? Best of 3. Watto v/s Broad. Katto v/s Cook. Me v/s Bell. Who is game? (spits into hands and looks around with an evil grin)

8. ICC Cricket World Cup final Match Report



India beat Pakistan by 300 runs. Sachin Tendulkar scores another 200. Shoaib Akthar (or whoever constitutes the Pakistani bowling attack at that time. Very difficult to predict that) smashed for 36 in an over by Yuvraj Singh. Yousuf, Younis and the Shoaibs (M/s Akhtar and Malik) banned for life again. Javed Miandad in line for a comeback.

9. Katrina, Kareena and Vidya to act in a new movie.







It CAN happen. Of course it can! Why can't I hope??

10. Arsenal win a trophy (at long last!)



Please Arsene? Please??? Can we?


Wish you all a very happy, nice, warm and cosy new year!

New Additions To The Oxford Dictionary

Ever since I have been here, I have been hearing, how the words that we studied for the GRE exam are hardly ever used in our day to day life. And a lot of good natured grumbling later, the Oxford Dictionary was approached to add these following day to day word/phrase usages.

1.

Manmohaned - Feeling out of place.

Example- The party was not my type at all. I was so Manmohaned.

2.

Doing a butt (pun unintended) - talking absolute nonsense.

Example - He had no clue what he was talking about. He was just doing a butt.

3.

Being a Paris - Good for nothing

Example - You absolute Paris! Get your backside off the couch!

4.

Padukone - Long but beautiful

Example - The play was such a Padukone! But I wish it had gone on longer.

5.

Lohaned - Busted

Example- To be used in a cops and robbers game. "You have been Lohaned".

6.

Amired/ Asifed - See Lohaned above

Note - Shoaibed can also be used, but I believe that is already a recognised word.

7.

Kalmadi - Cheat/ Thief (A very highly used words these days)

Example - That is my pen, you Kalmadi! Give it back right now!

8.

Saniaing - Showing great potential, but without result

Example - There you go. The Arsenal team is Saniaing again.

9.

Sainaing - Opposite of above

10.

Gangulying - Showing extreme levels of passion

Example - MS Dhoni to Harbhajan Singh - That's enough Gangulying for now. Bowl properly!

I shall see if these are accepted before proceeding with more recommendations.

Its All The Same

Yep. Only the place has changed. So after Turkey and good ol' India, I welcomed myself to the land of equal opportunity. USA. It takes a while getting used to this place. Which of course is a euphemism for 'it takes a while to keep the goggle-eyed expression away at every new development. By the way, I should mention these new developments can be potentially painful experiences. Case in point.

Me : Let us try cooking something.
Priyank Kumar (my gem of a flatmate) : I don't know if the gas is working.
Me (turning the knob all the way to high) : Hmm, I don't smell any gas. Maybe it doesn't. Let us try lighting it anyway.

After a few futile attempts with a gas lighter and a couple of matchsticks..

Me : I am not a mechanical engineer for nothing. I can fix this thing.

Next moment..

Me : AAAAAAARRRGGGGHHH!!! F*************K!! Bloody Hell!!! @#$%$&#$!!
PK : What happened?
Me : The thing is a bloody hot plate!! There wont be any flame. I burnt my fingers. Get the Burnol out!

Well then, moral of the story probably being that India is still a developing country.
So once the settling down part was out of the way, I shifted my attention to the news. And with a warm glowing sense of comfort, I realized the obvious - nothing has indeed changed. The opposition still wants Manmohan Singh to apologize for a new reason (who wants to take bets that one day the genial Sardar will have to apologize for being the PM?), Mamata Bannerjee is still hobnobbing with the Maoists, China and India and are still sparring over the location of Kashmir. ANd of course, lest I forget, India is still playing Sri Lanka in cricket, Which, now I believe is going to be the scene throughout the year, come hail or snow. Oh yes, we love the Lankans! The BCCI is still calling Lalit Modi a liar, a cheat, a manipulator, a charlatan amongst several other unmentionables. Modi himself is giving himself sore fingers by furiously defending himself on Twitter (of all places). I might add though, that it has given Mr. Modi a serious new talent. I did invite him to use my blog (once again) to air his views. His response? "10Q 4 d ofr. Wl luk n2 it." Sigh! The limitation Twitter places on people.
Just in case you thought, that only India isn't changing, nothing has changed in the US as well. Obama is still being called a Muslim for supporting the Ground Zero mosque. The man himself, is still on vacation in some new part of the country declaring it safe for tourism. Given your security detail Mr. President, I am pretty sure, even Afghanistan will be safe for tourism. Oh and Paris Hilton is still in trouble for cocaine possession (snigger!). So for all those who think, change is the only constant. Take that!
One thing has changed though. For the better. Arsenal has started winning again! And this is the big one, 95% of the players are actually fully fit. Not 100% though. Am pretty sure there is a law which forbids this. A soon as the number hits 97% one player has to break his leg or go get an operation just for the heck of it.
So will all this remain the same till the next time I post? Hopefully!

The Great Indian Parliamentary Debate

So, the insipid Indian bowling performance in the last couple of matches has been raising more than a couple of eyebrows. So much so that our esteemed Parliament decided to debate on the issue, just so that some advice could be doled out to the hapless MS Dhoni. Besides India TV’s rather forceful assumption that his mind has been occupied by SMS (that is Sakshi MS Dhoni for the India TV illiterate).
Right then, in the Lok Sabha now, where all the MPS are seated (surprise!) and the Hon. Speaker Meira Kumar is holding sway (double surprise!!)

Meira Kumar : We are here today to discuss the Indian bowling performance in the ongoing matches in Sri Lanka. We can start with opening comments from the Prime Minister.

(Silence)

Meira Kumar : Dr. Singh??

Manmohan Singh (Congress) : Oh![Looks up sheepishly hurriedly, trying to stow a well read copy of the Great Crash 1929 out of sight] Oh yes! Indian team. Yes. Very nice. I heard they just won the T20 World Cup. Congratulations!. Rest of the questions to Soniaji please. [Settles back with his book again]

Meira Kumar : Soniaji, if you would please?

Sonia Gandhi (Congress) : This is a very poor performance. They need to pull up their socks. They have to listen to their inner voice. They have to follow what it says.

Sharad Pawar (NCP) : (snidely under his breath) Yeah of course. Like SHE knows about cricket.

Meira Kumar : You said something Mr. Pawar?

Sharad Pawar (NCP) : What I said was, of course Soniaji is right. She is our supreme leader. She cannot be wrong. Soniaji can show the right path to our team. In fact I am thinking if the BCCI would accept a proposal to make Soniaji the new coach of our team. If not, even Rahulji can be made as coach.

Arun Jaitley (BJP) : This as you can see, is the dynastic nature of Congress politics. Always trying to include Sonia Gandhi and Rahul Gandhi in everything.

Pranab Mukherjee (Congress) : [in a small voice] maybe we can consider bringing back Sourav Ganguly?

Laloo Prasad Yadav (RJD) : In that case, I call for more representation for Bihar. There is not 1 cricketer from Bihar in the team. My wife Rabri will decide which player will represent Bihar.

Subhash Bapurao Wandhede (Shiv Sena) : So now you want to get into the cricket team as well. WE, no I am sorry, THE PEOPLE SHALL NOT LET THIS HAPPEN!! THE PEOPLE WILL GO ON STRIKE AND THE PEOPLE CAN ALSO RESORT TO VIOLENCE. Not the Shiv Sena though, we will have nothing to do with all that.

Prakash Karat (CPI-M) : The basic thing we are discussing here is the Indian bowling. It is obvious that it is poor because of injuries. And the reason for the injuries are also very clear. It is a clear case of Western imperialism. These players keep going abroad for treatment. They should stay in India and get treated. Then they will not face so many injuries.

S M Krishna (Congress) : Or Pakistan. That will definitely be a good confidence building measure. Maybe I should consult with GK Pillai and inform Shah Mehmood Qureshi. (scoots off)

Anand Rao Adsul (Shiv Sena) : Madam Speaker, we are going nowhere with this discussion. With your permission, I would like to suggest a new team which would Mr. Pawar could consider.

Meira Kumar : Please go ahead.

Anand Rao Adsul ( Shiv Sena) : Pawar Saheb, this should be the Indian cricket team : Wasim Jaffer, Sahil Kukreja, Ajinkya Rahane, Sachin Tendulkar, Abhishek Nayar, Vinayak Samant, Ajit Agarkar, Zaheer Khan, Ramesh Powar, Dhawal Kulkarni and Avishkar Salvi.

Sanjay Nirupam (Congress) : This is not your cricket team. This is the INDIAN cricket team. There has to be representation from all over India. This is not a communal team.

Anand Rao Adsul ( Shiv Sena) : This is not communal. The greatest player in India is Marathi. So naturally every player has to be Marathi if you want greatness. But then, how can I expect YOU to understand that?

Kapil Sibal (Congress) : Gentlemen please. Let us be civil here. I suggest we all pay attention to Mr. Karat’s comment. And to study these injuries which he was referring to, I will open more IITs and then more IIMs to implement the solutions which we can get from these studies.

Dara Singh Chauhan (BSP) : Well in that case, I demand higher reservation for Dalits!

M K Azhagiri (DMK) : Higher reservations for SC and ST too. Our Kalaignar Karunanidhi has a dream that all Indians should be on an equal standing.

Raghuvir Singh Meena (Congress) : I demand that the Gujjars be included in the list for STs!!

Anand Rao Adsul ( Shiv Sena) : [coming to the well with the other Shiv Sena MPs] MARATHIS FOR THE INDIAN TEAM!! JAI TENDULKAR!! JAI MAHARASHTRA!

Laloo Prasad Yadav (RJD) : [coming to the well with RJD MPs] MORE BIHARIS IN THE INDIAN TEAM!!!

Meira Kumar : That is it!! This House is adjourned.

Meanwhile in far away Sri Lanka.

MS Dhoni : Bhaj. How about bowling wicket to wicket, rather than 10 feet outside off?

Harbhajan Singh : Ok.

MS Dhoni : Right then boys. Let us go do some more leather hunting.

The All New FIFA World Cup 2010 Awards

Tonight is the night then. The night which will bring the curtains down over a month long football fiesta. However, there have been curious activities underfoot during the tournament. Apparently, FIFA president Sep Blatter is all set to do away with the traditional boring World Cup awards like Golden Boot, Golden Ball etc., replacing them with new Oscar style awards. Here is a sneak preview.

BEST ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE


Abdul Kader Keita for behaving like he was shot in the face after a loving pat to the chest from Kaka.

BEST ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE


Manuel Neuer for his super cool disposition and calm mind despite seeing THAT ball clearly over the line.

BEST ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE


Larissa Riquelme. No competition. Got thousands of people praying for a Paraguay World Cup win with her promise to streak.

BEST ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE


The Dutch women evicted from the stadium for ambush marketing. What were they promoting? Who cares!

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE


















Diego Armando Maradona. Enough said. The World Cup was definitely poorer after he left.

BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM


Wayne Rooney. "Nice to see your own fans booing you. That's what loyal support is, for fuck's sake!" 2 matches later. End of Shrek 4.

BEST COSTUME


Fernando Llorente. "Tight shirt is the secret of my success." Come on now, Fernando. You got that shirt during your under-17 days for sure. You can't fool us!

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM


Korea DPR. Nobody knew them or understood them. But they gave us the most highly entertaining match of the group stage. Courtesy a 0-7 defeat to Portugal. Their punishment? Banished to work in the coal mines. Actually.

BEST WRITING : ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY


Paul the Psychic. Of course he is writing the entire damn script. How else do you think he gets ALL of them right?

For the rest of the awards, do watch the ceremony tonight. It's time for Africa!

Rip Van Winkle Wakes Up

The best part about being in the blog world is that I can make as many comebacks as I want. As and when I want to. Eat your heart out Michael Jordan and Diego Maradona. You will not be able to do that as many times. Even if you turn back the clock.
But my, how the world has changed in the 1 and a half month sabbatical. Corruption scandals in the railways, medicine, telecom, food, education and so on and so forth at the rate of 1 every 2 days makes me wonder, if 1 day there will be a scandal about the air I breathe. Probably Madhu Koda takes more breaths per minute to stash the extra oxygen away with his Rs. 40000000000 booty (and I have got my 0s right). Speaking of which, I wonder if the good man can sponsor my education. Must be a trifling for him anyway.
Meanwhile as the BP oil spill takes on catastrophic proportions, the head honchos have been left scratching their collective pates (bald or otherwise), over the best possible solution to this mess. Look no further than India, people. Take a leaf out of Mr. Warren Anderson's book of magic spells. Uncomplicated and easy to perform. Show a perfect set of 32 pearly whites, turn on the spot mumbling, "I know Rajiv Ga-" - and poof!Problem gone before you can even say " compensation". Which will probably be a good thing, considering Barack Obama can then finally think of work, instead of focusing on people's derrieres looking for perfect spots to kick.
Meanwhile in South Africa, the big kickfest has been on for a couple of weeks now. And it has sadly ended for the last finalists, France and Italy. Not surprising really, seeing as the French sneaked into the tournament in the first place by an exquisite display of basketball skill. Probably mixed up the sports. Still the Jacques Clouseau type bumbling exit was a bit painful to watch. As for the savvy, uber-cool Italians, the plan went horribly wrong without any penalties to fall back on. Ah Don Lippi, missed a trick to get those spot kicks didn't you? The Italian Job, however has been perfected by Emperor Fabius Capellus and his band of merry Englishmen as a couple of fortuitous goals saw them through to the last 16. Despite Rob Green not being able to hold on to his balls. As Clive Tyldesly helpfully pointed out. "You have to cup your hands to hold them son." Ahem! Thank you for the info sir.
However, I am hoping that England does manage to progress far. The World Cup has been pretty staid without the WAGS. It is a bit tiring, when the only eye candy pops up only at half time and full time and goes by the befuddling name of Mayanti Langer. On the plus side, she does know her football. Are you listening Mandira Bedi?
Of course, when it comes to the World Cup, other sports do recede in to the background. But cricket and tennis are fighting manfully to reclaim their place in the sun.
In tennis, Roger Federer nearly bid adieu in the first round of Wimbledon. Nicolas Mahut and John Isner decided to make this Wimbledon about them and upstage Rafael Nadal and Federer by playing an 11 hour long tennis match. And the Queen decided to drop in at Wimbledon to cheer Andy Murray on. Poor lady. She must be really hard up for cash. What have you done David Cameron?
And in cricket, India and Sri Lanka were slugging it out. Again. I believe Tilakaratne Dilshan has scored 4000 of his 4500 runs against India. Pragyan Ojha, similarly does not what it is like to bowl to someone who is not wearing a different shade of blue. Well, but an Asia Cup win after 15 years. That should be something to cheer about you must think. Alas, even Ravi Shastri decided to give his vocal cords a rest.
So then, keep waving flag and keep Waka Waka-ing for the next few days. It will help you keep your eyes open during the late night kick-offs. Personally, those vuvuzelas hardly keep me awake anymore.
So long then, bye!

Is Torture The Answer?

A serious post is not something this blog is about. In fact it was created with the sole purpose to lighten the mood over the several mundane and drab happenings of the world. But there are some times, when we are forced to take a long, hard look at things and we are unable to joke about them.Which brings me to Mohammed Ajmal Amir Kasab. Sentenced to death on 4 counts and to life sentence on 5 others.
I have been following blog posts, notes etc. in reaction to the sentence. And nearly all are unanimous in the belief that he should be handed over to the Indian public. And then go on to suggest gruesome torture methods so that he is paid back in the same coin. I can understand the pain we feel and the hatred we have for the guy. As an Indian, I was deeply shocked and saddened by the events of 26/11 and I do feel that the perpetrators of the cowardly attack do not deserve to live. 'Sentenced to death by hanging for waging war against India' is probably as apt as it can get.
What I fail to understand, however, is the tremendous amount of vitriol and the belief that true justice will only be done if he is tortured and killed. Why? Handing over criminals to the public for justice is the done thing probably in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iran, Somalia etc. The very countries, we take pride in being different from. So, do we forget our culture? Do we forget the moral values and ideals which makes this country tick? Do we forget that we live in a civil society where we have a judicial system in place? Do we forget that we are not considered a hardline country mainly because we do not believe in the concept of 'street justice'? All for the sake of one man. Is he really that important, that we need to lose our standing in the world for him? How different are we from the terrorists then?
And let us also not forget, Kasab did not come to India, expecting to be caught alive. He came to India, expecting to be 'shot and killed'. That was supposed to take him to Allah. If our hatred for him is primarily why we want him dead, the least we can do is to make sure that he does not die in the way he expected to. You could probably say that I do not feel the victim's pain when I advocate killing Kasab in a humane manner. But seriously, in their moment of grief, does Tukaram Ombale's family really care about how Kasab dies, as long as he dies?
Some again might say, this is precisely we are perceived to be a soft state. No. What makes us a soft state is placing Kasab at number 52 on the death row and then waiting indefinitely till we reach that number. Place him at 1 and be done with him. That will show that we are serious about tackling terrorists and will not tolerate any person holding our country to ransom.
We already have plenty of Kasabs to deal with as it is. There is no earthly need to go about creating more, just out of sympathy for the public execution of this worthless individual. Do we really need to create more hatred in a world, which is already racked by so much of it?

A Stiff Upper Lip Please

Well considering that this post deals with (almost) entirely British subjects, it would be a good idea if you all read it while trying to keep your upper lip stiff.
I have been following the British elections very closely. And it is quite like watching a P G Wodehouse novel being enacted. Stiff upright Brits making gaffes all over the place may not make for a nice picture if you are British, but for the neutral observer, it does lead to quite a bit of hilarity. In fact Gordon Brown seems to be just another re-incarnation of George Bush (similar initials apart). So Mr. Brown was caught slandering a member of his electorate in private. Which probably would not have been such a huge thing, save for the fact that he still had a TV microphone attached to his tie. So the entire country heard as Mr. Brown referred to 'that bigoted woman'. Ah the perils of modern technology! Maybe Mr. Brown can take a lesson or two from Barack Obama and his Blackberry. In fact it is great to have a President who uses technology as comfortably as he gives speeches on a nuclear free world. Which reminds me, it is great to have a President who can actually pronounce 'nuclear' correctly. I simply cannot erase the image of George Bush going 'eh nuclar, erm nucular, ahem nuke-ular hehe'. Anyway that is quite a bit of digression. Coming back to the Brit elections on May 6, a new leader shall enter No. 10 Downing Street. And I can bet you my last bit of money that nobody is going to do a Sonia Gandhi and listen to their 'inner voice'.
Staying on in Britain and moving on to Arsenal. Actually let us move on from them as well. 1 draw and 4 defeats in the last 5 games. I should start supporting Mohun Bagan or East Bengal. At least they will give me something to cheer about on a regular basis.
In the British national sport then (which has quite certainly been hijacked by the Indians), the world cup is finally underway. More importantly the IPL is over. Which is quite a shame really. I was actually getting the hang of Zoozooing (verb: rapidly uttering incomprehensible mumbo jumbo, punctuated by high pitched squeals). And I had also almost overcome my urge to stick a pin into the hot air balloon which was pioneered by a company supposedly at the forefront of technological innovation in India. But the MRF Blimp is now gone. And it has taken the Zoozoos with it. What a pity. In the World Cup, as such, there is nothing much to write about as yet.The Pakistani team is still exceptionally well behaved. Will they still be as well behaved near the end of the tournament? I think a lesser surprise would be if Tiger Woods declared he was gay (yes the same Tiger Woods of 120 affairs in 5 years fame). So anyway, looking forward to some fireworks from the Pakistani team.
And this is almost certainly my last post from Turkish shores. I shall miss my Lahmacun, my Doner and my Tahinli Pide. Make no sense? Same here. All I know is that they are pretty delicious. Time for my palate worship then. Goodbye!

Sachin Tendulkar

When Sachin Tendulkar travelled to Pakistan to face one of the finest bowling attacks ever assembled in cricket, Michael Schumacher was yet to race a F1 car, Lance Armstrong had never been to the Tour de France, Diego Maradona was still the captain of a world champion Argentina team, Pete Sampras had never won a Grand Slam.
When Tendulkar embarked on a glorious career taming Imran and company, Roger Federer was a name unheard of; Lionel Messi was in his nappies, Usain Bolt was an unknown kid in the Jamaican backwaters. The Berlin Wall was still intact, USSR was one big, big country, Dr Manmohan Singh was yet to "open" the Nehruvian economy.
It seems while Time was having his toll on every individual on the face of this planet, he excused one man. Time stands frozen in front of Sachin Tendulkar. We have had champions, we have had legends, but we have never had a Sachin Tendulkar and we never will.
- Time Magazine


Happy Birthday Sachin Tendulkar

The Return - Yet Again

Yes! The return to Mixed Bag for yet another post. More than 2 weeks since I last spewed something here. During which, half formed ideas have spun through my head with Usain Bolt-esque speed without really forming anything concrete. Not that I have managed to come up with anything concrete at last, but it is my space and my drivel! The comments section is open for you.
So, they say 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scornd'. And what fury! A volcano erupted in Iceland throwing up enough ash to turn Europe topsy turvy. Flights cancelled, people on Easter holidays unable to get back, work coming to a standstill, it sure has been some eruption. Oh but wait! Where is the 'woman scornd'? That is an easy one now! Ayesha Siddique of course, the other Mrs. Shoaib Malik. Thought you could fly off easily into the sunset with Sania, eh Shoaib? Never that easy now, is it! In the meantime, I have a statutory warning for my tweet happy friends reading this. 'TWEETING WILL LOSE YOU YOUR JOB'. Don't believe me? Ask some of the most prolific tweeters. Shashi Tharoor. Or Lalit Modi(in a few days now). Or the mysterious Sunanda Pushkar. The woman's 'sweat equity' has now got Rahul Dravid thinking whether he can encash all those drenched shirts of his. Would be a billionaire if he did that, for sure.
In a parallel universe though, the slam bang continues. And so does Danny Morrison and his perversion. This time, displaying an intimate knowledge of fellow bleater L. Siva's anatomy. 'Gee Siva!!! That bat's got to be thicker than both your thighs put together'!!!! Right Mr. Morrison. If you are done with that and taking gratuitous upskirt views of the cheerleaders, can we have some punditry on the cricket please? Robin Jackman seems to have perfected that art though. So now, just by standing near a team dugout and looking conspirationally at the camera, you can make out what a team is thinking. 'They need more wickets'. Wink Wink!! Nice one Jackers!
Notwithstanding the advertisements though, this IPL has certainly given us some never seen before memorable sights. Sourav Ganguly diving, MS Dhoni punching himself in the face like a prize boxer, Sourav Ganguly stopping a ball while diving WITHOUT injuring himself in the bargain, Virender Sehwag having a strike rate of less than 100 in an innings in any form of cricket, Sourav Ganguly actually pulling off a blinder of a catch intentionally and many more. Bring on the semis now!
And lastly moving on to the highly depressing Gunners. Flattened by Lionel Messi, a first league defeat to hated rivals in 11 years and a defeat to a team which had last beaten them when Elvis Presley was still the 'King of Rock and Roll'. The last one, coming after throwing away a 2-0 lead in the last 10 mins, nearly made me go into hibernation. As the inevitable talks of 'next season being The Season' are rolled out yet again, the cash happy thug, Emmanuel Adebayor returns during the weekend. Can the Gunners wipe that self satisfied smirk off his face? I think Vivek Oberoi has a higher chance of starring in a movie, which would remotely classify as a 'hit'. Please Arsene! Do something. Show him who is the boss!
So then, till the next time I take a laxative to cure my writer's block again! Adios!

Confused and nauseated

Apologies. I have been so busy following the IPL, that updating the blog never came to my mind. More on the IPL and its surprisingly insightful commentators later though.
For all the people who regularly read this piece of literary finesse (some liken it to verbal diarrhoea, but every one is entitled to their own opinion, hmph!), you would know that picking on the Shiv Sena is one of my pet hobbies. Not surprising that, considering they serve up morsels of hare-brained schemes as regularly as Shashi Tharoor tweets. Things were getting pretty serious and grown up in the world of politics. The health care bill was passed in Yankeeland, the right to education bill was passed in India, the SIT grilled Narendra Modi for 9 straight hours on his role in the 2002 riots. Heck, we needed some juvenile frivolity. And right on cue, our Sainiks stepped up to the plate. Sania Mirza cannot be a true Indian if she is marrying a Pakistani. If she had India's best interests at heart, she would have married an Indian. Supreme logic sir. One tiny little question though. I have heard Ajmal Kasab speaks Marathi these days and asks for Indian newspapers. So I assume that makes him a dyed in the wool Mumbaikar. So by your logic, is Ajmal Kasab more of an Indian than Sania Mirza? Oops! I nearly used Shiv Sena and logic in the same sentence. My bad.
Staying on with Pakistan. One of their finest cricketers announced his retirement after having a life ban slapped on him. But Mohammad Yousuf says he might appeal against his ban. For what purpose exactly Yousuf? To stay retired? Meanwhile closer home, the IPL is on in full swing and the commentators are slowly getting into their groove. Danny Morrison though, is so well into his groove that the groove is threatening to become a canyon. The man goes ballistic when he sees the Double Ds and Pandee (Manish Pandey). And then just to calm himself down, he has a look at Virat 'Cool as a cucumber' Coolie. Perverted and racist, Mr. Morrison. You should be hit for a DLFer. Two commentators really working hard to impress their boss are our own L. Siva and ICL returnee Russel Arnold. So while Russel laments 'Shame he is 25. He is such a good player but cannot be considered for the Citi Under-23 Success of the tournament', Siva takes it further with 'That should have been a Karbonn Kamaal catch, but it has gone for a DLF Maximum and it is a Citi Moment of Success for the batting side. Time now, for a Max Mobile Strategic Time Out for the bowling side.' He needs a pay raise Mr. Modi, are you listening? And of course, the sight of the MRF Blimp makes all our commentators go wild with delight as each takes pains to outdo the other in describing how it is the eighth wonder of the world.
In football, I am still recovering from the effects of the Arsenal-Barcelona match. With the match poised at 2-2, next Tuesday will have them squaring off at the Camp Nou. Considering the way the first leg was played, I am hoping for collective amnesia to strike the entire Barca team and they forget how to kick a ball for 90 minutes. Will that give us victory? Wait and watch.
Till next week then (hopefully). Ciao!

Show me the money!!

Hello to all the bored and jobless people who are at this moment reading this blog. You know you should be doing something better!
The past week has undoubtedly been the 'moolah' week. While the world looked enviously at Lalit Modi's and BCCI's moolah, Mulayam Singh Yadav looked at Mayawati's moolah. Carlos Slim's moolah crossed Bill Gates' moolah. And for good measure, David Beckham had a good look at his lost moolah, when England's favourite cheerleader lost out on a World Cup berth in true Trojan hero style(and that's the last time I use the word moolah. Promise).
So to begin with Her Highness, the leader of the Dalits and the supreme champion of the causes of the poor and down-trodden. The lady has done her subjects huge favours by erecting a statue of hers in every nook and cranny on the streets of Lucknow. And how the people love her for that!. The people's 'love' manifested in her being presented a monstrous multi-crore garland made entirely of 1000 rupee notes. Move over Romeo, that's spontaneous love for you! What? Poor and down-trodden did you say? What a load of old tosh! Its love! Now wait for her birthday bash.
One person though, would be wistfully eyeing all that wealth. David Beckham snapped his Achilles tendon while having a light jog during a football match. Now somehow by some co-incidence, I suddenly managed to get a sneak peek into the minds of the Beckhams during that moment of pain. Here is the sequence of thoughts of both Victoria and David Beckham.

VB: Why did he suddenly pull up?
DB: Ouch! What was that? Oh my Achilles!!
VB: Oh no! There goes my chance to promote the Victoria Beckham dress range!
DB: Aaaaaah!!! That hurts!
VB: Nooooo!!!That puts an end to my over sized Chanel sunglasses deal. And my Louis Vuitton handbags deal, my Christian Louboutin high heels deal!
DB: Aaaaaah!!! My Armani suits deal! My Hush Puppies shoes deal' My promotion for Jim's tattoo parlour!
VB: Sniff!! Those photographers will now make Toni Poole the queen bee.
DB: Oh hold it! I won't be able to play for 7 months. Damn! That's a lot of good deals gone.

So much for the football then.
Anyway, moving on to the IPL. Mandira Bedi with her 40 haircuts in 50 days routine has been banished to ITV in the UK. In her place, the King of Hyperbole is back. 'That ball has gone so high, its going to kiss the air hostess before it comes down', '2 wickets in 3overs. They are falling over faster than cycles in a cycle stand!'. Yes, Navjot Singh Sidhu is well and truly back. And as if ads after overs were not bad enough, we now have to accept the fact that Akshay Kumar's demented laughter can disrupt us between overs as well. Guess it will not be long before we are unable to realise whether Saurabh Tiwary's pull is a part of the match, or Akshay Kumar virtual forehand smash is. Personally however, the best comment of the IPL came from Harsha Bhogle. 'Lata Mangeshkar should not be singing rock and roll', claimed Mr. Bhogle, when VVS Laxman got out after another horrendously ugly looking swipe.
And across the border in Pakistan the mayhem continues. First they had players without a coach. Now they have a coach without any players. Knowing Pakistan though, this is enough to ensure that they will retain their status as T20 champions. Maybe a couple of more bans will well and truly seal the deal. That would be a Citi Moment of Success for sure.
Have a nice weekend then. Bye-bye!!

IPL, protests and a rib-tickler

Its back! Its that time of the year again when sixes stop being sixes and become DLF Maximums. When in a 3 hour cricket match, there are 150 minutes of advertisements, 22 minutes of Lalit Modi on his Blackberry, 6 minutes of dancing celebrity team owners and 2 minutes of cricket. It is the time when Ravi Shastri considers it his personal mission to be heard over 100000 fans at the Eden Gardens (not when Sachin's had his stumps uprooted, but preferably when Dada has lifted one onto the top tier). Its IPL time again! And as we kick off today between the Knight Riders and the Chargers, I cannot help noticing the sea change in attitude of KKR as promised by King Khan. For starters, to make sure that his knights will be up there at the end celebrating, SRK has cunningly collected all the confetti from the past 2 editions and stitched them up as purple and gold uniforms for his team. Presumably this will also ensure protection against their floodlight failure issues. Meanwhile just to whet people's appetites, the ICC scheduled 3 series to wean people off normal cricket and make them crave for the IPL. So we have West Indies playing Zimbabwe, England playing Bangladesh and Australia playing New Zealand. The last mentioned of which might have been more interesting had the Kiwis managed to put 11 Daniel Vettoris on the field. But nevertheless, the English ensured that there would be quality even in the most meaningless of matches. So we witnessed pie chucking of the highest order when Alistair Cook went for 111 runs in 5 overs and Michael Carberry went for 78 in 4. Now that's class (more so when you consider it was Bangladesh A doing the hitting)!
In events far removed from cricket though, the Women's Reservation Bill was finally passed in the Upper House. Amidst claims of a few more quotas, I am now pitching for my own quota- 'the quota for people with no quota'. As a sole crusader for the cause, I shall uproot railway tracks, shout slogans against nobody in particular while smiling at TV cameras and appear in a chat show alongside Barkha Dutt. Maybe that will make me a reality TV star at the least!
And in football, the Porto defence showed how bad they actually are. I mean if Nicklas Bendtner (who has difficulty putting the ball into an empty net from 2 yards out), scores a hat-trick against you, you know you can sink no lower. The vindictive person in me, though frankly enjoyed the sight of Cristiano Ronaldo leaving the Santiago Bernabeau in tears on Wednesday night. After spending money like it was going out of fashion on the triumvirate of Ronaldo, Kaka and Benzema, the Madrid Madmen failed to reach the quarters of the Champions League yet again.Oh what joy!
And finally AIESEC in MU's predilection for rib tickling names continued. And after a longish wait, along came the first TN raise. From Mr. Bhola Surender Kamath. You can snicker, you can laugh, but I can bet my Turkish kebab you cannot beat it. Congrats fellas!
So on that note, dim the lights, do not turn up the sound (unless you are in the mood for permanent hearing damage courtesy Ravi Shastri), lie back and let it rain DLF Maximums!

Amen!

A return to the madness

It is difficult to keep a blog running. Especially when you are an illegal immigrant with limited internet access. But we Indians are known to never care a fig about the law and I happen to be no different.
Well it has certainly been an agony missing Holi back home. While looking like a fading pink superhero for a week is something I might detest, the sheer joy of moving around like a Frankensteinien wastrel for a day is truly uplifting!
And as the Indians merrily celebrated Holi, the world serenely moved towards Apocalypse 2012. The latest in the line, after Haiti, being Chile. A few more of these joltings and I am pretty sure those sheikhs at Manchester City will be pulling out all their cash to book themselves a joyride on 'Made in China' boats. On a positive note though, that might force City to kick out that cad, Emmanuel Adebayor, which would be no more than what he deserves. Meanwhile, politicians in India are busy trying to give women 'the perfect Women's Day present'. The Women's Reservation Bill, which will once and for all stamp women as being unequal to men and needing a reservation to make their mark on the world. At a time when women are fighting to be considered as equal to men, this is as much as a present as Sachin Tendulkar's double ton was for the South Africans.
Which, of course, brings us to the Mumbai Maestro alias Little Master alias Tendlya alias 'Sachiiiiin Sachin'. Paeans have been sung in the great man's honour. But as the man himself said, 'Records are meant to be broken'. And why not? Pitches are getting more and more batsmen friendly by the day. To the extent that the 22 yards from Rajkot was caught propositioning batsmen outside an illegal pub in Modiland (Narendrabhai's land this one, not Lalit's), where Andrew Symonds has been known to nick off for a quiet beer or 30 when in India. At this rate, my personal favourite for the next batsman breaking the record is Ashish Nehra. Lets see. Meanwhile in neighbouring Bangladesh, England's South Africans and Irishmen huffed and puffed their way to victories over the hosts. Well if someone was looking for positives of outsourcing, they just need to contact the England and Wales Cricket Board. Maybe West Indies can outsource their cricket to a few more Indians. Clearly the Chanderpauls, Rampauls and Ramdins aren't good enough to beat the 11th string Zimbabwean side.
And finally in football, Arsenal climbed back into the thick of the title race. Albeit with a horror injury to Aaron Ramsey. But Arsenal and injuries go more hand in hand than a newly married couple. The previous weekend also saw the footballing world's biggest fuss over a handshake which never happened. Would Wayne Bridge break John Terry's fingers with an iron clasp or would there be an 'all is forgotten' handshake? The culmination of all that was an icy stare from Bridge, W. to Terry, J. which was supposed to send shivers down the latter's spine. Considering the abysmal game Terry had, 'the stare' probably did have an effect. Probably Ejaz Butt can use that on Shahid Afridi, the next time he tries his hand at ballet dancing on a pitch or gorging on a few red cherries.
And on that note, this illegal alien bids goodbye! Have a nice weekend. Chow!

Brand barrage and a return to normalcy

Hello everyone! After constant entreaties I have decided to hand over the reins of the blog to Lalit Modi for this week. So presenting Mr. Modi.
Hello, I am Lalit Modi, IPL Commissioner. I Dare to Dream like the Bank of Rajasthan and I am Fearless like Symantec. I have moved on from my Citi Moments of Success and am now McDowell's Signature New Sign of Success. And I promise not to promote any more brands but like TESCO, Every Little Helps.
Well, I was tired of announcing everything on Twitter, so today I shall use this blog to air my business propositions. My first proposal is to the Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi. I feel that you are my Standard Chartered Right Partner after your extraordinary announcement that illegal immigrants were not welcome to Italy but beautiful women definitely were. Well Mr. B, how about my sending a few of my team cheerleaders to your country. You have your beautiful women and I can proclaim to my literally tens of followers, that my IPL has now branched into Italy as well. Do let me know, I will certainly get back to you from one of my 27 Blackberrys.
Oh get out Lalit Modi! Sorry folks, a bad egg, that Mr. Modi. But just latching on to that point about Silvio Berlusconi, I can't help wondering if that man happens to be a mechanical engineer from MIT. Only people like us can make such statements!
Meanwhile, notwithstanding my obnoxious, brand -spewing guest editor, we have managed to cling on to the No.1 ranking in test cricket by our collective 1 billion fingernails. Well actually 1 billion minus 1. Sourav Ganguly bit his fingernails into oblivion as he sat watching the match. I am pretty sure his fingernails were not holding on.
But despite being No.1, I am still as confused about my country as those detectives Thomson and Thompson. I was going through a map of India, or Hindistan as it is known here and I could spot every city from Mangalore to Gorakhpur to Darbhanga. But no Mumbai. No Bangalore. And a curiously named 'Deli'. Strange!
Also during this week, one of cricket's most inspiring stories came from a country where the President is confused between a LBW and a BMW. Afghanistan has made it to the T20 World Cup in the Carribean and have landed up in the same group as India and South Africa. Coach Kabir Khan (Chak de India, anyone?) wryly commented on his luck, 'Dale Steyn? No problem.' Well if that Dale Steyn from Nagpur turns up, this band of merry Afghans is going to be obliterated faster than those Bamiyan Buddhas.
And finally Arsenal continued to frustrate its most ardent supporters. I fear this is not even news anymore as the latest setback was a defeat to F.C. Porto. Well this is what the current injury list at Arsenal looks like. Manuel Almunia, William Gallas, Johann Djourou, Eduardo, Robin van Persie, Aaron Ramsey, Kieran Gibbs, Alex Song, Andrey Arshavin and Abou Diaby. And Mr. Wenger wants us to believe, with an injury list as long as this, we can still win something. I would be less surprised if Rakhi Sawant announced tomorrow that she would not show any more skin in the future. Sigh!

Till next week then. Chop chop!!

A week filled to the brim with nothing

Curious week this. After all the frankly ludicrous events of last week, the world seemed to have taken a sanity break. But fear not! A little bit of determined digging ensured that there would be enough dollops of insanity to satisfy 2 hungry Adnan Samis (or Shahid Afridis, I got a hilarious interview later!)
First up, is a new movie. And after 20 years in the film industry and earning himself numerous plaudits in the process, Shah Rukh Khan felt compelled to release a new movie reminding us, 'My Name is Khan'. Why of course SRK, we never said your name was Thackeray now, did we? Nor did we ever mix up the initials SRK and KKR. Now if all the stars started their impression of 'The name is Bond', next we will probably have Chunky Pandey releasing 'My Name is Pandey'. The guy is apparently a huge star in Bangladesh, so don't be stunned, its good PR after all!
Speaking of PRs, in the country of our old rulers, Gordon Brown could take a lesson or two from that savvy man across the Atlantic, as he lurches from one disaster to another. The latest in the line being a series of revelations that he regularly trashes furniture, assaults and abuses aides when things don't go his way. A little more Mr. Brown and I am sure you and the ultimate diva Madonna could take a Valentine's Day cruise together.
In cricket, the BCCI gave a perfect example of the gymnastic feat of putting your foot in your mouth. A series against South Africa was shoe-horned in at the last moment apparently to 'preserve' the No.1 ranking for a longer time. Instead, after being roundly thrashed in the first game, India faces the prospect of holding the No.1 ranking for a time, which is probably shorter than the time for which Salman Khan keeps his shirt on in the movies.
After touching upon the Afridi controversy in my previous post, here I present an excerpt from Afridi's first interview after the incident took place. He was talking to Peter Walsh of ABC radio and not one word of this interview is concocted. I am not kidding.

Peter Walsh: Shahid, it was a close game. [You were] captaining the team and pressure can bring people to do weird and wonderful things. But it did appear, from where we were sitting, that you might have actually put the cricket ball in your mouth on couple of occasions?
Shahid Afridi: No, I was actually just trying to smell it to see how it was feeling.
PW:You smelt it?
SA: [Laughs] Yes.
PW: But you don't smell it with your teeth?
SA: Sometimes you can do. Don't bring negative questions. (There you go doctors. You were wrong all these years. Hence proved!)
PW: I won't go into the negatives, but you have to understand that it will be looked at because it did look as if something was going on.
SA: No, there was something so I tried to move it.

Hmm, I have nothing more to say!
In football, Arsene Wenger's panglossian views about winning the league were put to the sword by the media. And for once, I agree. If Le Professor was any more optimistic he would want us to believe that Arsenal are in line for the treble next year. So to make sure that Arsenal win at least 1 trophy, I suggest to the FA to start an injured players' league. Arsenal would win it hands down. The numbers in their line-up would see them through. Winning is that simple Arsene. Forget your 4-4-2s and 4-3-3s. Give this a go.
And finally on Sunday, we celebrate the death of a man. A man whose major contribution to the world was that he used to get young couples married. And all of Nehru's letters to Indira wouldn't have had as much of an effect as this man's one letter had. All because it was signed 'From your Valentine'. More than 1700 years later, we can still see the effects!
So till next week then.

From your Valentine (Poof and suddenly Bal Thackeray materialises in front of me. Gulp!)

Controversies galore and some hungry folks

Whew! What a week! Seems as if the India TV head honcho was directing this week's script with a crazed glint in his eyes and screaming 'MORE MORE!! Give me some more breaking news!!!' Well what with the Shiv Sena taking on the world, actresses clambering over public toilet walls, daft cricketers trying to eat cricket balls and John Terry's scandal no. 69786, he has had a pretty satisfying week, I guess.
So, to begin. We now have a nominee for the 2010 Nobel Peace Prize. And that gentleman is 'The Internet'. 'The Internet' came out with an ingenious statement which said that since people would spend so much time surfing it, they wouldn't have the time to fight wars.( Yeah I can totally imagine Osama drooling over some photos of Angelina Jolie. Mujahideen are dying? Don't worry Jolie will adopt them.) 'The Internet' also claimed that his 'intentions are good'. I guess Barack Obama had a grand chuckle at that last line. Meanwhile the Prez has irked the Beijing Bomber Hu Jintao, by declaring that he plans to hold talks with the Dalai Lama. However considering the action to talk ratio of dear old Barack, Hu Jintao can take a chill pill!
And now, guest editor time. Presenting Virender Sehwag for the cricket section.
'Of course, we play South Africa later this week. Definitely, we will beat them. Of course, their bowlers are not ordinary. But it does not scare me. Any ball outside off? Six. Of course.'
And with that Viru has scooted off to learn some song and dance routine from the incredibly lithe Sourav Ganguly. Possibly to shock the South Africans into surrender. Meanwhile Shahid Afridi's culinary antics have put a real question mark over Australian hospitality and their food rations. However as the generously girthed Ramesh Powar and Samit Patel say (between mouthfuls), 'Chomping at a cricket ball is not done. We never did it inspite of our numerous hunger pangs on the pitch'. And finally a pop quiz. Which line-up do Hiral Patel, Rizwan Cheema, Abdool Samad ,Ashish Bagai, Sunil Dhaniram, Umar Bhatti, Khurram Chohan, Shaheed Keshvani, Trevin Bastiampillai, Harvir Baidwan and Usman Limbada represent? No, not the Shiv Sena / MNS 11 (no Marathi in there). Nope, not even the line-up which carries Lalit Modi's Blackberrys on his world jaunts. This, my friends, is the Canadian national cricket team. Yes, Canada! And I thought that country only had people like Robin Scherbatsky and Pamela Anderson!
Moving on then. After Andy Murray's declaration that he can cry as well as Roger Federer does, the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club (Croquet, whoever plays that!) has decided to hire them for watering their grass courts before Wimbledon. Now that is business sense! I reckon hiring Maria Sharapova as a scarecrow would also work. Her grunts can definitely keep all birds in and around London at bay.
And in football, after the terrible hiding at the hands (or feet) of Man Utd, the Gunners head to Chelsea for what promises to be an interesting mismatch. Too bad Monsieur Wenger didn't buy Wayne Bridge. Bridge v Terry at this juncture would be a machismo contest which would surely put Eric Cantona to shame!
And finally, a dig at my beloved AIESEC in MU, where the EB has given themselves a delightful new name. The MnMz. Ahem. Wannabe Eminems racing around in Mahindra n Mahindras? Nope. Its named after the candy. Let your brain chew on that for a while.
Signing out till next week then. Bye-bye!!

Mathematics, nostalgia and an injury

Hello readers!! Another week gone by and as we head off into the weekend with the glee of a baby getting a new rattle, I present yet another post on this blog. Now considering that this blog is about sifting through news, I thought about getting a guest editor for every week to save myself the effort. My target this week? Amitabh Bachchan. Result? Close miss, he has gone to CNN-IBN for the day but I nearly had him, nearly! Next time then!
Into news now. And at the risk of being repetitive, I will tackle Sania Mirza first again. She wreaked so much havoc with her announcement last week, that Bush and Blair (or master and poodle, whichever takes your fancy) nearly announced her as the WMD they had been looking for in Iraq. Well, she decided to make up for it. And just a week after declaring that she would quit tennis after marriage, she decided to call off her engagement altogether. I suspect in future mathematics classes this is the example teachers will use, when explaining the perfect 180 degree angle.
On 26 January, India celebrated its 61st Republic Day. 2 paragraphs into the President's address on the evening of the 25th and it was ensured that the country would wake up bright and early for the parade next morning. Brilliant tactics!
The Padma awards were again distributed with the largesse of a king showering gold coins on his subjects. It was probably as thoughtless too, which would probably explain why an actor with half decent movies in the last half decade managed to get the same level of award as an actress with some awesome movies in the last 4 decades.
On then, to our favourite sport, cricket. And for all the connoisseurs who thought they had watched a good test match between India and Bangladesh, you are horribly mistaken. Batsmen whacking the bowlers around for nearly 5 runs an over, this isn't test cricket. Give me back my 90s. Give me back my Shastri and Manjrekar (who apparently when asked to accelerate, used to score at 2 an over). Give me back my Prasads, whose gentle leg cutters could be dispatched into orbit even by that old lady from Yorkshire (more famously known as Geoff Boycott's grandmum). THAT was test cricket at its best, not this run feast which the Sehwags and Dilshans keep treating us to all the time.
In other matches, the Kamran curse is still stuck on Pakistan as after 3 Tests and 3 One Dayers, they are still to win a match. So much for their claims of being the best team in the world! Rumours of the team not being united, a captain who doesn't know how to lead and an ex-captain who plays and disappears as he wishes, oh Pakistan, its good to have you back!
And finally Ravi Shastri has chosen a sly way of letting us know that the IPL is around the corner. His 'edged and TAKEN' routine is slowly gathering momentum again. Come the IPL and we wıll surely have him at his ear-splitting, blood vessel bursting best!
Moving on to tennis. Roger Federer waltzed his way into the semis of the Australian Open barely breaking into a sweat. And if he gets past Jo-Wilfried Tsonga (the match is on as I type this and Fedex already has the first set), he will face 'The Great British Hope' Andy Murray. Murray, meanwhile has asked boxer Ricky Hatton to be present courtside during the final for support. Well if push comes to shove, then we definitely know who will win the Australian Open! Victoria Azarenka and Caroline Wozniacki pushed my rapidly dying interest in Women's Singles to the 2nd week. However seeing Kim Clijsters during the US Open and comeback queen Justine Henin's performance here, I can safely predict that the French Open shall be Martina Navratilova's 168th singles title.
And finally football. My forlorn hope that Arsenal will not have an injured 11 team was shot out of the water as 2 more players made their way onto that godforsaken injury table. And I myself have managed to get all my fingers entangled in a futile attempt to cross them all in the hope that this injury ravaged Arsenal can somehow stop the rampaging Man United on Super Sunday (who as a matter of fact did a decent job of silencing their noisy blue neighbours on Wednesday), and somehow steal a victory.
So till I manage to get all my digits in their proper places again, so long!!

P.S. Hockey World Cup's around the corner. Please 'sport' your team a la Sehwag!

Introduction, Apocalypse and a bit more

Hello fellow readers!! After the sort of gestation period which an African elephant would have been proud of, I finally and humbly make my birth into the blog world. Hopefully it will be more eventful than my entry into the real world, which apparently was marked by my sleeping (or being knocked out, take your pick) for 3 straight days. Ah those carefree days!!
So then to jump right into it. The biggest news of the week was Sania Mirza's declaration of quitting tennis after marriage which shook up the world so hard, that poor old Haiti was knocked to the ground. But with all due respect to the suffering Haitians (including the perenially sobbing Wyclef Jean), Roland Emmerich did warn us that this was coming. So lets do something about it now. Lets pack our bags, run to China and land up at Comrade Hu Jintao's doorstep demanding to know the location of Mr. Noah's humungous Arks. Of course by doing that, we run 2 risks. Firstly Comrade Hu might never be able to find the Arks, considering the absence of Google Maps in the country to help him out. Secondly the Arks will be 'Made in China'. Need I say anything more?
Sticking on with comrades for a bit, 95 year old comrade Jyoti babu bid adieu to us earlier this week. Apparently he has not been cremated and his body has been given for medical research. Finally we get to know what goes into the genes of these politicians!
To the world of cricket now. Three test matches were completed (yes you read that correctly, 3 TEST MATCHES, did you know they still played that format!), over the course of the week. And after considering the 3 results, I would propose to the ICC to change their Man of the Match awards. That is if they listen to proposals from anyone, other than the bespectacled Lalit Modi. Seems more likely they will probably be hiding under all that sand in Dubai. But I digress. Firstly for the South Africa v England match, Graham Onions, for not playing. England dropped their premier batsman, the Hercules who stood between South Africa and victory with his barn-door sized bat on 2 occasions, and were promptly shot out for 180 and 169, crashing to an innings defeat within 4 days. Ouch! Talk about getting some onion in the eye.
Secondly, for the India v Bangladesh match, S.Sreesanth. His repeated over stepping, (he insists it was a bowling variation and even has a little dance just to prove it) made sure India turned in an 'extra'ordinary performance to beat Bangladesh's 'ordinary' one. And his repeated nostril flaring at the batsmen traumatised them to the extent that they got out just so that they could avoid facing him. Or the monster lurking inside his nose probably, who knows! How Sehwag must have loved him!
And finally for the Australia v Pakistan match, the 'dropped' Kamran Akmal. If the saying 'catches win matches' is true, Kamran has ensured that Pakistan won't win for the next 3 years atleast. Good time to improve those sporting relations, eh Mr. Gill?
In tennis, Sania Mirza's announcement has already been documented earlier. In the Australian Open, Roger Federer made his way into the third round waving merrily to Prince William during the match. The prince managed a shy, red-faced, giggly, love-struck wave back. Maria Sharapova out in the 1st round and Ana Ivanovic out in the 2nd. End of Australian Open Women's Singles as far as I am concerned!
And then football. Mr. Wenger gave the perfect riposte to people accusing him of signing only inexperienced 16-17 year olds. He signed on a 35 year old,so over the hill, that anymore and he would be underground. Welcome Sol!
And for all you hordes of chest thumping 'We are the best', 'Glory Glory Man Utd' fans out there,do check out your 716 million pounds of debt. And while you are at it, also check out the league table and see who is above you.
Thats that then! Hopefully there will be another one during the next week. So long!