Hello everyone! After constant entreaties I have decided to hand over the reins of the blog to Lalit Modi for this week. So presenting Mr. Modi.
Hello, I am Lalit Modi, IPL Commissioner. I Dare to Dream like the Bank of Rajasthan and I am Fearless like Symantec. I have moved on from my Citi Moments of Success and am now McDowell's Signature New Sign of Success. And I promise not to promote any more brands but like TESCO, Every Little Helps.
Well, I was tired of announcing everything on Twitter, so today I shall use this blog to air my business propositions. My first proposal is to the Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi. I feel that you are my Standard Chartered Right Partner after your extraordinary announcement that illegal immigrants were not welcome to Italy but beautiful women definitely were. Well Mr. B, how about my sending a few of my team cheerleaders to your country. You have your beautiful women and I can proclaim to my literally tens of followers, that my IPL has now branched into Italy as well. Do let me know, I will certainly get back to you from one of my 27 Blackberrys.
Oh get out Lalit Modi! Sorry folks, a bad egg, that Mr. Modi. But just latching on to that point about Silvio Berlusconi, I can't help wondering if that man happens to be a mechanical engineer from MIT. Only people like us can make such statements!
Meanwhile, notwithstanding my obnoxious, brand -spewing guest editor, we have managed to cling on to the No.1 ranking in test cricket by our collective 1 billion fingernails. Well actually 1 billion minus 1. Sourav Ganguly bit his fingernails into oblivion as he sat watching the match. I am pretty sure his fingernails were not holding on.
But despite being No.1, I am still as confused about my country as those detectives Thomson and Thompson. I was going through a map of India, or Hindistan as it is known here and I could spot every city from Mangalore to Gorakhpur to Darbhanga. But no Mumbai. No Bangalore. And a curiously named 'Deli'. Strange!
Also during this week, one of cricket's most inspiring stories came from a country where the President is confused between a LBW and a BMW. Afghanistan has made it to the T20 World Cup in the Carribean and have landed up in the same group as India and South Africa. Coach Kabir Khan (Chak de India, anyone?) wryly commented on his luck, 'Dale Steyn? No problem.' Well if that Dale Steyn from Nagpur turns up, this band of merry Afghans is going to be obliterated faster than those Bamiyan Buddhas.
And finally Arsenal continued to frustrate its most ardent supporters. I fear this is not even news anymore as the latest setback was a defeat to F.C. Porto. Well this is what the current injury list at Arsenal looks like. Manuel Almunia, William Gallas, Johann Djourou, Eduardo, Robin van Persie, Aaron Ramsey, Kieran Gibbs, Alex Song, Andrey Arshavin and Abou Diaby. And Mr. Wenger wants us to believe, with an injury list as long as this, we can still win something. I would be less surprised if Rakhi Sawant announced tomorrow that she would not show any more skin in the future. Sigh!
Till next week then. Chop chop!!
Friday, February 19, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
A week filled to the brim with nothing
Curious week this. After all the frankly ludicrous events of last week, the world seemed to have taken a sanity break. But fear not! A little bit of determined digging ensured that there would be enough dollops of insanity to satisfy 2 hungry Adnan Samis (or Shahid Afridis, I got a hilarious interview later!)
First up, is a new movie. And after 20 years in the film industry and earning himself numerous plaudits in the process, Shah Rukh Khan felt compelled to release a new movie reminding us, 'My Name is Khan'. Why of course SRK, we never said your name was Thackeray now, did we? Nor did we ever mix up the initials SRK and KKR. Now if all the stars started their impression of 'The name is Bond', next we will probably have Chunky Pandey releasing 'My Name is Pandey'. The guy is apparently a huge star in Bangladesh, so don't be stunned, its good PR after all!
Speaking of PRs, in the country of our old rulers, Gordon Brown could take a lesson or two from that savvy man across the Atlantic, as he lurches from one disaster to another. The latest in the line being a series of revelations that he regularly trashes furniture, assaults and abuses aides when things don't go his way. A little more Mr. Brown and I am sure you and the ultimate diva Madonna could take a Valentine's Day cruise together.
In cricket, the BCCI gave a perfect example of the gymnastic feat of putting your foot in your mouth. A series against South Africa was shoe-horned in at the last moment apparently to 'preserve' the No.1 ranking for a longer time. Instead, after being roundly thrashed in the first game, India faces the prospect of holding the No.1 ranking for a time, which is probably shorter than the time for which Salman Khan keeps his shirt on in the movies.
After touching upon the Afridi controversy in my previous post, here I present an excerpt from Afridi's first interview after the incident took place. He was talking to Peter Walsh of ABC radio and not one word of this interview is concocted. I am not kidding.
Peter Walsh: Shahid, it was a close game. [You were] captaining the team and pressure can bring people to do weird and wonderful things. But it did appear, from where we were sitting, that you might have actually put the cricket ball in your mouth on couple of occasions?
Shahid Afridi: No, I was actually just trying to smell it to see how it was feeling.
PW:You smelt it?
SA: [Laughs] Yes.
PW: But you don't smell it with your teeth?
SA: Sometimes you can do. Don't bring negative questions. (There you go doctors. You were wrong all these years. Hence proved!)
PW: I won't go into the negatives, but you have to understand that it will be looked at because it did look as if something was going on.
SA: No, there was something so I tried to move it.
Hmm, I have nothing more to say!
In football, Arsene Wenger's panglossian views about winning the league were put to the sword by the media. And for once, I agree. If Le Professor was any more optimistic he would want us to believe that Arsenal are in line for the treble next year. So to make sure that Arsenal win at least 1 trophy, I suggest to the FA to start an injured players' league. Arsenal would win it hands down. The numbers in their line-up would see them through. Winning is that simple Arsene. Forget your 4-4-2s and 4-3-3s. Give this a go.
And finally on Sunday, we celebrate the death of a man. A man whose major contribution to the world was that he used to get young couples married. And all of Nehru's letters to Indira wouldn't have had as much of an effect as this man's one letter had. All because it was signed 'From your Valentine'. More than 1700 years later, we can still see the effects!
So till next week then.
From your Valentine (Poof and suddenly Bal Thackeray materialises in front of me. Gulp!)
First up, is a new movie. And after 20 years in the film industry and earning himself numerous plaudits in the process, Shah Rukh Khan felt compelled to release a new movie reminding us, 'My Name is Khan'. Why of course SRK, we never said your name was Thackeray now, did we? Nor did we ever mix up the initials SRK and KKR. Now if all the stars started their impression of 'The name is Bond', next we will probably have Chunky Pandey releasing 'My Name is Pandey'. The guy is apparently a huge star in Bangladesh, so don't be stunned, its good PR after all!
Speaking of PRs, in the country of our old rulers, Gordon Brown could take a lesson or two from that savvy man across the Atlantic, as he lurches from one disaster to another. The latest in the line being a series of revelations that he regularly trashes furniture, assaults and abuses aides when things don't go his way. A little more Mr. Brown and I am sure you and the ultimate diva Madonna could take a Valentine's Day cruise together.
In cricket, the BCCI gave a perfect example of the gymnastic feat of putting your foot in your mouth. A series against South Africa was shoe-horned in at the last moment apparently to 'preserve' the No.1 ranking for a longer time. Instead, after being roundly thrashed in the first game, India faces the prospect of holding the No.1 ranking for a time, which is probably shorter than the time for which Salman Khan keeps his shirt on in the movies.
After touching upon the Afridi controversy in my previous post, here I present an excerpt from Afridi's first interview after the incident took place. He was talking to Peter Walsh of ABC radio and not one word of this interview is concocted. I am not kidding.
Peter Walsh: Shahid, it was a close game. [You were] captaining the team and pressure can bring people to do weird and wonderful things. But it did appear, from where we were sitting, that you might have actually put the cricket ball in your mouth on couple of occasions?
Shahid Afridi: No, I was actually just trying to smell it to see how it was feeling.
PW:You smelt it?
SA: [Laughs] Yes.
PW: But you don't smell it with your teeth?
SA: Sometimes you can do. Don't bring negative questions. (There you go doctors. You were wrong all these years. Hence proved!)
PW: I won't go into the negatives, but you have to understand that it will be looked at because it did look as if something was going on.
SA: No, there was something so I tried to move it.
Hmm, I have nothing more to say!
In football, Arsene Wenger's panglossian views about winning the league were put to the sword by the media. And for once, I agree. If Le Professor was any more optimistic he would want us to believe that Arsenal are in line for the treble next year. So to make sure that Arsenal win at least 1 trophy, I suggest to the FA to start an injured players' league. Arsenal would win it hands down. The numbers in their line-up would see them through. Winning is that simple Arsene. Forget your 4-4-2s and 4-3-3s. Give this a go.
And finally on Sunday, we celebrate the death of a man. A man whose major contribution to the world was that he used to get young couples married. And all of Nehru's letters to Indira wouldn't have had as much of an effect as this man's one letter had. All because it was signed 'From your Valentine'. More than 1700 years later, we can still see the effects!
So till next week then.
From your Valentine (Poof and suddenly Bal Thackeray materialises in front of me. Gulp!)
Friday, February 5, 2010
Controversies galore and some hungry folks
Whew! What a week! Seems as if the India TV head honcho was directing this week's script with a crazed glint in his eyes and screaming 'MORE MORE!! Give me some more breaking news!!!' Well what with the Shiv Sena taking on the world, actresses clambering over public toilet walls, daft cricketers trying to eat cricket balls and John Terry's scandal no. 69786, he has had a pretty satisfying week, I guess.
So, to begin. We now have a nominee for the 2010 Nobel Peace Prize. And that gentleman is 'The Internet'. 'The Internet' came out with an ingenious statement which said that since people would spend so much time surfing it, they wouldn't have the time to fight wars.( Yeah I can totally imagine Osama drooling over some photos of Angelina Jolie. Mujahideen are dying? Don't worry Jolie will adopt them.) 'The Internet' also claimed that his 'intentions are good'. I guess Barack Obama had a grand chuckle at that last line. Meanwhile the Prez has irked the Beijing Bomber Hu Jintao, by declaring that he plans to hold talks with the Dalai Lama. However considering the action to talk ratio of dear old Barack, Hu Jintao can take a chill pill!
And now, guest editor time. Presenting Virender Sehwag for the cricket section.
'Of course, we play South Africa later this week. Definitely, we will beat them. Of course, their bowlers are not ordinary. But it does not scare me. Any ball outside off? Six. Of course.'
And with that Viru has scooted off to learn some song and dance routine from the incredibly lithe Sourav Ganguly. Possibly to shock the South Africans into surrender. Meanwhile Shahid Afridi's culinary antics have put a real question mark over Australian hospitality and their food rations. However as the generously girthed Ramesh Powar and Samit Patel say (between mouthfuls), 'Chomping at a cricket ball is not done. We never did it inspite of our numerous hunger pangs on the pitch'. And finally a pop quiz. Which line-up do Hiral Patel, Rizwan Cheema, Abdool Samad ,Ashish Bagai, Sunil Dhaniram, Umar Bhatti, Khurram Chohan, Shaheed Keshvani, Trevin Bastiampillai, Harvir Baidwan and Usman Limbada represent? No, not the Shiv Sena / MNS 11 (no Marathi in there). Nope, not even the line-up which carries Lalit Modi's Blackberrys on his world jaunts. This, my friends, is the Canadian national cricket team. Yes, Canada! And I thought that country only had people like Robin Scherbatsky and Pamela Anderson!
Moving on then. After Andy Murray's declaration that he can cry as well as Roger Federer does, the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club (Croquet, whoever plays that!) has decided to hire them for watering their grass courts before Wimbledon. Now that is business sense! I reckon hiring Maria Sharapova as a scarecrow would also work. Her grunts can definitely keep all birds in and around London at bay.
And in football, after the terrible hiding at the hands (or feet) of Man Utd, the Gunners head to Chelsea for what promises to be an interesting mismatch. Too bad Monsieur Wenger didn't buy Wayne Bridge. Bridge v Terry at this juncture would be a machismo contest which would surely put Eric Cantona to shame!
And finally, a dig at my beloved AIESEC in MU, where the EB has given themselves a delightful new name. The MnMz. Ahem. Wannabe Eminems racing around in Mahindra n Mahindras? Nope. Its named after the candy. Let your brain chew on that for a while.
Signing out till next week then. Bye-bye!!
So, to begin. We now have a nominee for the 2010 Nobel Peace Prize. And that gentleman is 'The Internet'. 'The Internet' came out with an ingenious statement which said that since people would spend so much time surfing it, they wouldn't have the time to fight wars.( Yeah I can totally imagine Osama drooling over some photos of Angelina Jolie. Mujahideen are dying? Don't worry Jolie will adopt them.) 'The Internet' also claimed that his 'intentions are good'. I guess Barack Obama had a grand chuckle at that last line. Meanwhile the Prez has irked the Beijing Bomber Hu Jintao, by declaring that he plans to hold talks with the Dalai Lama. However considering the action to talk ratio of dear old Barack, Hu Jintao can take a chill pill!
And now, guest editor time. Presenting Virender Sehwag for the cricket section.
'Of course, we play South Africa later this week. Definitely, we will beat them. Of course, their bowlers are not ordinary. But it does not scare me. Any ball outside off? Six. Of course.'
And with that Viru has scooted off to learn some song and dance routine from the incredibly lithe Sourav Ganguly. Possibly to shock the South Africans into surrender. Meanwhile Shahid Afridi's culinary antics have put a real question mark over Australian hospitality and their food rations. However as the generously girthed Ramesh Powar and Samit Patel say (between mouthfuls), 'Chomping at a cricket ball is not done. We never did it inspite of our numerous hunger pangs on the pitch'. And finally a pop quiz. Which line-up do Hiral Patel, Rizwan Cheema, Abdool Samad ,Ashish Bagai, Sunil Dhaniram, Umar Bhatti, Khurram Chohan, Shaheed Keshvani, Trevin Bastiampillai, Harvir Baidwan and Usman Limbada represent? No, not the Shiv Sena / MNS 11 (no Marathi in there). Nope, not even the line-up which carries Lalit Modi's Blackberrys on his world jaunts. This, my friends, is the Canadian national cricket team. Yes, Canada! And I thought that country only had people like Robin Scherbatsky and Pamela Anderson!
Moving on then. After Andy Murray's declaration that he can cry as well as Roger Federer does, the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club (Croquet, whoever plays that!) has decided to hire them for watering their grass courts before Wimbledon. Now that is business sense! I reckon hiring Maria Sharapova as a scarecrow would also work. Her grunts can definitely keep all birds in and around London at bay.
And in football, after the terrible hiding at the hands (or feet) of Man Utd, the Gunners head to Chelsea for what promises to be an interesting mismatch. Too bad Monsieur Wenger didn't buy Wayne Bridge. Bridge v Terry at this juncture would be a machismo contest which would surely put Eric Cantona to shame!
And finally, a dig at my beloved AIESEC in MU, where the EB has given themselves a delightful new name. The MnMz. Ahem. Wannabe Eminems racing around in Mahindra n Mahindras? Nope. Its named after the candy. Let your brain chew on that for a while.
Signing out till next week then. Bye-bye!!
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