Confused and nauseated

Apologies. I have been so busy following the IPL, that updating the blog never came to my mind. More on the IPL and its surprisingly insightful commentators later though.
For all the people who regularly read this piece of literary finesse (some liken it to verbal diarrhoea, but every one is entitled to their own opinion, hmph!), you would know that picking on the Shiv Sena is one of my pet hobbies. Not surprising that, considering they serve up morsels of hare-brained schemes as regularly as Shashi Tharoor tweets. Things were getting pretty serious and grown up in the world of politics. The health care bill was passed in Yankeeland, the right to education bill was passed in India, the SIT grilled Narendra Modi for 9 straight hours on his role in the 2002 riots. Heck, we needed some juvenile frivolity. And right on cue, our Sainiks stepped up to the plate. Sania Mirza cannot be a true Indian if she is marrying a Pakistani. If she had India's best interests at heart, she would have married an Indian. Supreme logic sir. One tiny little question though. I have heard Ajmal Kasab speaks Marathi these days and asks for Indian newspapers. So I assume that makes him a dyed in the wool Mumbaikar. So by your logic, is Ajmal Kasab more of an Indian than Sania Mirza? Oops! I nearly used Shiv Sena and logic in the same sentence. My bad.
Staying on with Pakistan. One of their finest cricketers announced his retirement after having a life ban slapped on him. But Mohammad Yousuf says he might appeal against his ban. For what purpose exactly Yousuf? To stay retired? Meanwhile closer home, the IPL is on in full swing and the commentators are slowly getting into their groove. Danny Morrison though, is so well into his groove that the groove is threatening to become a canyon. The man goes ballistic when he sees the Double Ds and Pandee (Manish Pandey). And then just to calm himself down, he has a look at Virat 'Cool as a cucumber' Coolie. Perverted and racist, Mr. Morrison. You should be hit for a DLFer. Two commentators really working hard to impress their boss are our own L. Siva and ICL returnee Russel Arnold. So while Russel laments 'Shame he is 25. He is such a good player but cannot be considered for the Citi Under-23 Success of the tournament', Siva takes it further with 'That should have been a Karbonn Kamaal catch, but it has gone for a DLF Maximum and it is a Citi Moment of Success for the batting side. Time now, for a Max Mobile Strategic Time Out for the bowling side.' He needs a pay raise Mr. Modi, are you listening? And of course, the sight of the MRF Blimp makes all our commentators go wild with delight as each takes pains to outdo the other in describing how it is the eighth wonder of the world.
In football, I am still recovering from the effects of the Arsenal-Barcelona match. With the match poised at 2-2, next Tuesday will have them squaring off at the Camp Nou. Considering the way the first leg was played, I am hoping for collective amnesia to strike the entire Barca team and they forget how to kick a ball for 90 minutes. Will that give us victory? Wait and watch.
Till next week then (hopefully). Ciao!

Show me the money!!

Hello to all the bored and jobless people who are at this moment reading this blog. You know you should be doing something better!
The past week has undoubtedly been the 'moolah' week. While the world looked enviously at Lalit Modi's and BCCI's moolah, Mulayam Singh Yadav looked at Mayawati's moolah. Carlos Slim's moolah crossed Bill Gates' moolah. And for good measure, David Beckham had a good look at his lost moolah, when England's favourite cheerleader lost out on a World Cup berth in true Trojan hero style(and that's the last time I use the word moolah. Promise).
So to begin with Her Highness, the leader of the Dalits and the supreme champion of the causes of the poor and down-trodden. The lady has done her subjects huge favours by erecting a statue of hers in every nook and cranny on the streets of Lucknow. And how the people love her for that!. The people's 'love' manifested in her being presented a monstrous multi-crore garland made entirely of 1000 rupee notes. Move over Romeo, that's spontaneous love for you! What? Poor and down-trodden did you say? What a load of old tosh! Its love! Now wait for her birthday bash.
One person though, would be wistfully eyeing all that wealth. David Beckham snapped his Achilles tendon while having a light jog during a football match. Now somehow by some co-incidence, I suddenly managed to get a sneak peek into the minds of the Beckhams during that moment of pain. Here is the sequence of thoughts of both Victoria and David Beckham.

VB: Why did he suddenly pull up?
DB: Ouch! What was that? Oh my Achilles!!
VB: Oh no! There goes my chance to promote the Victoria Beckham dress range!
DB: Aaaaaah!!! That hurts!
VB: Nooooo!!!That puts an end to my over sized Chanel sunglasses deal. And my Louis Vuitton handbags deal, my Christian Louboutin high heels deal!
DB: Aaaaaah!!! My Armani suits deal! My Hush Puppies shoes deal' My promotion for Jim's tattoo parlour!
VB: Sniff!! Those photographers will now make Toni Poole the queen bee.
DB: Oh hold it! I won't be able to play for 7 months. Damn! That's a lot of good deals gone.

So much for the football then.
Anyway, moving on to the IPL. Mandira Bedi with her 40 haircuts in 50 days routine has been banished to ITV in the UK. In her place, the King of Hyperbole is back. 'That ball has gone so high, its going to kiss the air hostess before it comes down', '2 wickets in 3overs. They are falling over faster than cycles in a cycle stand!'. Yes, Navjot Singh Sidhu is well and truly back. And as if ads after overs were not bad enough, we now have to accept the fact that Akshay Kumar's demented laughter can disrupt us between overs as well. Guess it will not be long before we are unable to realise whether Saurabh Tiwary's pull is a part of the match, or Akshay Kumar virtual forehand smash is. Personally however, the best comment of the IPL came from Harsha Bhogle. 'Lata Mangeshkar should not be singing rock and roll', claimed Mr. Bhogle, when VVS Laxman got out after another horrendously ugly looking swipe.
And across the border in Pakistan the mayhem continues. First they had players without a coach. Now they have a coach without any players. Knowing Pakistan though, this is enough to ensure that they will retain their status as T20 champions. Maybe a couple of more bans will well and truly seal the deal. That would be a Citi Moment of Success for sure.
Have a nice weekend then. Bye-bye!!

IPL, protests and a rib-tickler

Its back! Its that time of the year again when sixes stop being sixes and become DLF Maximums. When in a 3 hour cricket match, there are 150 minutes of advertisements, 22 minutes of Lalit Modi on his Blackberry, 6 minutes of dancing celebrity team owners and 2 minutes of cricket. It is the time when Ravi Shastri considers it his personal mission to be heard over 100000 fans at the Eden Gardens (not when Sachin's had his stumps uprooted, but preferably when Dada has lifted one onto the top tier). Its IPL time again! And as we kick off today between the Knight Riders and the Chargers, I cannot help noticing the sea change in attitude of KKR as promised by King Khan. For starters, to make sure that his knights will be up there at the end celebrating, SRK has cunningly collected all the confetti from the past 2 editions and stitched them up as purple and gold uniforms for his team. Presumably this will also ensure protection against their floodlight failure issues. Meanwhile just to whet people's appetites, the ICC scheduled 3 series to wean people off normal cricket and make them crave for the IPL. So we have West Indies playing Zimbabwe, England playing Bangladesh and Australia playing New Zealand. The last mentioned of which might have been more interesting had the Kiwis managed to put 11 Daniel Vettoris on the field. But nevertheless, the English ensured that there would be quality even in the most meaningless of matches. So we witnessed pie chucking of the highest order when Alistair Cook went for 111 runs in 5 overs and Michael Carberry went for 78 in 4. Now that's class (more so when you consider it was Bangladesh A doing the hitting)!
In events far removed from cricket though, the Women's Reservation Bill was finally passed in the Upper House. Amidst claims of a few more quotas, I am now pitching for my own quota- 'the quota for people with no quota'. As a sole crusader for the cause, I shall uproot railway tracks, shout slogans against nobody in particular while smiling at TV cameras and appear in a chat show alongside Barkha Dutt. Maybe that will make me a reality TV star at the least!
And in football, the Porto defence showed how bad they actually are. I mean if Nicklas Bendtner (who has difficulty putting the ball into an empty net from 2 yards out), scores a hat-trick against you, you know you can sink no lower. The vindictive person in me, though frankly enjoyed the sight of Cristiano Ronaldo leaving the Santiago Bernabeau in tears on Wednesday night. After spending money like it was going out of fashion on the triumvirate of Ronaldo, Kaka and Benzema, the Madrid Madmen failed to reach the quarters of the Champions League yet again.Oh what joy!
And finally AIESEC in MU's predilection for rib tickling names continued. And after a longish wait, along came the first TN raise. From Mr. Bhola Surender Kamath. You can snicker, you can laugh, but I can bet my Turkish kebab you cannot beat it. Congrats fellas!
So on that note, dim the lights, do not turn up the sound (unless you are in the mood for permanent hearing damage courtesy Ravi Shastri), lie back and let it rain DLF Maximums!

Amen!

A return to the madness

It is difficult to keep a blog running. Especially when you are an illegal immigrant with limited internet access. But we Indians are known to never care a fig about the law and I happen to be no different.
Well it has certainly been an agony missing Holi back home. While looking like a fading pink superhero for a week is something I might detest, the sheer joy of moving around like a Frankensteinien wastrel for a day is truly uplifting!
And as the Indians merrily celebrated Holi, the world serenely moved towards Apocalypse 2012. The latest in the line, after Haiti, being Chile. A few more of these joltings and I am pretty sure those sheikhs at Manchester City will be pulling out all their cash to book themselves a joyride on 'Made in China' boats. On a positive note though, that might force City to kick out that cad, Emmanuel Adebayor, which would be no more than what he deserves. Meanwhile, politicians in India are busy trying to give women 'the perfect Women's Day present'. The Women's Reservation Bill, which will once and for all stamp women as being unequal to men and needing a reservation to make their mark on the world. At a time when women are fighting to be considered as equal to men, this is as much as a present as Sachin Tendulkar's double ton was for the South Africans.
Which, of course, brings us to the Mumbai Maestro alias Little Master alias Tendlya alias 'Sachiiiiin Sachin'. Paeans have been sung in the great man's honour. But as the man himself said, 'Records are meant to be broken'. And why not? Pitches are getting more and more batsmen friendly by the day. To the extent that the 22 yards from Rajkot was caught propositioning batsmen outside an illegal pub in Modiland (Narendrabhai's land this one, not Lalit's), where Andrew Symonds has been known to nick off for a quiet beer or 30 when in India. At this rate, my personal favourite for the next batsman breaking the record is Ashish Nehra. Lets see. Meanwhile in neighbouring Bangladesh, England's South Africans and Irishmen huffed and puffed their way to victories over the hosts. Well if someone was looking for positives of outsourcing, they just need to contact the England and Wales Cricket Board. Maybe West Indies can outsource their cricket to a few more Indians. Clearly the Chanderpauls, Rampauls and Ramdins aren't good enough to beat the 11th string Zimbabwean side.
And finally in football, Arsenal climbed back into the thick of the title race. Albeit with a horror injury to Aaron Ramsey. But Arsenal and injuries go more hand in hand than a newly married couple. The previous weekend also saw the footballing world's biggest fuss over a handshake which never happened. Would Wayne Bridge break John Terry's fingers with an iron clasp or would there be an 'all is forgotten' handshake? The culmination of all that was an icy stare from Bridge, W. to Terry, J. which was supposed to send shivers down the latter's spine. Considering the abysmal game Terry had, 'the stare' probably did have an effect. Probably Ejaz Butt can use that on Shahid Afridi, the next time he tries his hand at ballet dancing on a pitch or gorging on a few red cherries.
And on that note, this illegal alien bids goodbye! Have a nice weekend. Chow!

Brand barrage and a return to normalcy

Hello everyone! After constant entreaties I have decided to hand over the reins of the blog to Lalit Modi for this week. So presenting Mr. Modi.
Hello, I am Lalit Modi, IPL Commissioner. I Dare to Dream like the Bank of Rajasthan and I am Fearless like Symantec. I have moved on from my Citi Moments of Success and am now McDowell's Signature New Sign of Success. And I promise not to promote any more brands but like TESCO, Every Little Helps.
Well, I was tired of announcing everything on Twitter, so today I shall use this blog to air my business propositions. My first proposal is to the Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi. I feel that you are my Standard Chartered Right Partner after your extraordinary announcement that illegal immigrants were not welcome to Italy but beautiful women definitely were. Well Mr. B, how about my sending a few of my team cheerleaders to your country. You have your beautiful women and I can proclaim to my literally tens of followers, that my IPL has now branched into Italy as well. Do let me know, I will certainly get back to you from one of my 27 Blackberrys.
Oh get out Lalit Modi! Sorry folks, a bad egg, that Mr. Modi. But just latching on to that point about Silvio Berlusconi, I can't help wondering if that man happens to be a mechanical engineer from MIT. Only people like us can make such statements!
Meanwhile, notwithstanding my obnoxious, brand -spewing guest editor, we have managed to cling on to the No.1 ranking in test cricket by our collective 1 billion fingernails. Well actually 1 billion minus 1. Sourav Ganguly bit his fingernails into oblivion as he sat watching the match. I am pretty sure his fingernails were not holding on.
But despite being No.1, I am still as confused about my country as those detectives Thomson and Thompson. I was going through a map of India, or Hindistan as it is known here and I could spot every city from Mangalore to Gorakhpur to Darbhanga. But no Mumbai. No Bangalore. And a curiously named 'Deli'. Strange!
Also during this week, one of cricket's most inspiring stories came from a country where the President is confused between a LBW and a BMW. Afghanistan has made it to the T20 World Cup in the Carribean and have landed up in the same group as India and South Africa. Coach Kabir Khan (Chak de India, anyone?) wryly commented on his luck, 'Dale Steyn? No problem.' Well if that Dale Steyn from Nagpur turns up, this band of merry Afghans is going to be obliterated faster than those Bamiyan Buddhas.
And finally Arsenal continued to frustrate its most ardent supporters. I fear this is not even news anymore as the latest setback was a defeat to F.C. Porto. Well this is what the current injury list at Arsenal looks like. Manuel Almunia, William Gallas, Johann Djourou, Eduardo, Robin van Persie, Aaron Ramsey, Kieran Gibbs, Alex Song, Andrey Arshavin and Abou Diaby. And Mr. Wenger wants us to believe, with an injury list as long as this, we can still win something. I would be less surprised if Rakhi Sawant announced tomorrow that she would not show any more skin in the future. Sigh!

Till next week then. Chop chop!!

A week filled to the brim with nothing

Curious week this. After all the frankly ludicrous events of last week, the world seemed to have taken a sanity break. But fear not! A little bit of determined digging ensured that there would be enough dollops of insanity to satisfy 2 hungry Adnan Samis (or Shahid Afridis, I got a hilarious interview later!)
First up, is a new movie. And after 20 years in the film industry and earning himself numerous plaudits in the process, Shah Rukh Khan felt compelled to release a new movie reminding us, 'My Name is Khan'. Why of course SRK, we never said your name was Thackeray now, did we? Nor did we ever mix up the initials SRK and KKR. Now if all the stars started their impression of 'The name is Bond', next we will probably have Chunky Pandey releasing 'My Name is Pandey'. The guy is apparently a huge star in Bangladesh, so don't be stunned, its good PR after all!
Speaking of PRs, in the country of our old rulers, Gordon Brown could take a lesson or two from that savvy man across the Atlantic, as he lurches from one disaster to another. The latest in the line being a series of revelations that he regularly trashes furniture, assaults and abuses aides when things don't go his way. A little more Mr. Brown and I am sure you and the ultimate diva Madonna could take a Valentine's Day cruise together.
In cricket, the BCCI gave a perfect example of the gymnastic feat of putting your foot in your mouth. A series against South Africa was shoe-horned in at the last moment apparently to 'preserve' the No.1 ranking for a longer time. Instead, after being roundly thrashed in the first game, India faces the prospect of holding the No.1 ranking for a time, which is probably shorter than the time for which Salman Khan keeps his shirt on in the movies.
After touching upon the Afridi controversy in my previous post, here I present an excerpt from Afridi's first interview after the incident took place. He was talking to Peter Walsh of ABC radio and not one word of this interview is concocted. I am not kidding.

Peter Walsh: Shahid, it was a close game. [You were] captaining the team and pressure can bring people to do weird and wonderful things. But it did appear, from where we were sitting, that you might have actually put the cricket ball in your mouth on couple of occasions?
Shahid Afridi: No, I was actually just trying to smell it to see how it was feeling.
PW:You smelt it?
SA: [Laughs] Yes.
PW: But you don't smell it with your teeth?
SA: Sometimes you can do. Don't bring negative questions. (There you go doctors. You were wrong all these years. Hence proved!)
PW: I won't go into the negatives, but you have to understand that it will be looked at because it did look as if something was going on.
SA: No, there was something so I tried to move it.

Hmm, I have nothing more to say!
In football, Arsene Wenger's panglossian views about winning the league were put to the sword by the media. And for once, I agree. If Le Professor was any more optimistic he would want us to believe that Arsenal are in line for the treble next year. So to make sure that Arsenal win at least 1 trophy, I suggest to the FA to start an injured players' league. Arsenal would win it hands down. The numbers in their line-up would see them through. Winning is that simple Arsene. Forget your 4-4-2s and 4-3-3s. Give this a go.
And finally on Sunday, we celebrate the death of a man. A man whose major contribution to the world was that he used to get young couples married. And all of Nehru's letters to Indira wouldn't have had as much of an effect as this man's one letter had. All because it was signed 'From your Valentine'. More than 1700 years later, we can still see the effects!
So till next week then.

From your Valentine (Poof and suddenly Bal Thackeray materialises in front of me. Gulp!)

Controversies galore and some hungry folks

Whew! What a week! Seems as if the India TV head honcho was directing this week's script with a crazed glint in his eyes and screaming 'MORE MORE!! Give me some more breaking news!!!' Well what with the Shiv Sena taking on the world, actresses clambering over public toilet walls, daft cricketers trying to eat cricket balls and John Terry's scandal no. 69786, he has had a pretty satisfying week, I guess.
So, to begin. We now have a nominee for the 2010 Nobel Peace Prize. And that gentleman is 'The Internet'. 'The Internet' came out with an ingenious statement which said that since people would spend so much time surfing it, they wouldn't have the time to fight wars.( Yeah I can totally imagine Osama drooling over some photos of Angelina Jolie. Mujahideen are dying? Don't worry Jolie will adopt them.) 'The Internet' also claimed that his 'intentions are good'. I guess Barack Obama had a grand chuckle at that last line. Meanwhile the Prez has irked the Beijing Bomber Hu Jintao, by declaring that he plans to hold talks with the Dalai Lama. However considering the action to talk ratio of dear old Barack, Hu Jintao can take a chill pill!
And now, guest editor time. Presenting Virender Sehwag for the cricket section.
'Of course, we play South Africa later this week. Definitely, we will beat them. Of course, their bowlers are not ordinary. But it does not scare me. Any ball outside off? Six. Of course.'
And with that Viru has scooted off to learn some song and dance routine from the incredibly lithe Sourav Ganguly. Possibly to shock the South Africans into surrender. Meanwhile Shahid Afridi's culinary antics have put a real question mark over Australian hospitality and their food rations. However as the generously girthed Ramesh Powar and Samit Patel say (between mouthfuls), 'Chomping at a cricket ball is not done. We never did it inspite of our numerous hunger pangs on the pitch'. And finally a pop quiz. Which line-up do Hiral Patel, Rizwan Cheema, Abdool Samad ,Ashish Bagai, Sunil Dhaniram, Umar Bhatti, Khurram Chohan, Shaheed Keshvani, Trevin Bastiampillai, Harvir Baidwan and Usman Limbada represent? No, not the Shiv Sena / MNS 11 (no Marathi in there). Nope, not even the line-up which carries Lalit Modi's Blackberrys on his world jaunts. This, my friends, is the Canadian national cricket team. Yes, Canada! And I thought that country only had people like Robin Scherbatsky and Pamela Anderson!
Moving on then. After Andy Murray's declaration that he can cry as well as Roger Federer does, the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club (Croquet, whoever plays that!) has decided to hire them for watering their grass courts before Wimbledon. Now that is business sense! I reckon hiring Maria Sharapova as a scarecrow would also work. Her grunts can definitely keep all birds in and around London at bay.
And in football, after the terrible hiding at the hands (or feet) of Man Utd, the Gunners head to Chelsea for what promises to be an interesting mismatch. Too bad Monsieur Wenger didn't buy Wayne Bridge. Bridge v Terry at this juncture would be a machismo contest which would surely put Eric Cantona to shame!
And finally, a dig at my beloved AIESEC in MU, where the EB has given themselves a delightful new name. The MnMz. Ahem. Wannabe Eminems racing around in Mahindra n Mahindras? Nope. Its named after the candy. Let your brain chew on that for a while.
Signing out till next week then. Bye-bye!!